The Source of All Misery (How to Achieve Ultimate Happiness)

Throughout life, we have moments of misery or unhappiness. Sometimes we experience long periods of deep depression. None of this is necessary. Happiness is your true nature - your natural state. In this article, you’ll discover the source of all misery and how to achieve ultimate happiness.

Watch the video below or scroll down if you prefer to read. 

Frustrated Desires: The Source of All Misery

What ultimately makes us feel unhappiness or sorrow are frustrated desires. There are two types of desires we have:

  • Positive Desires: Wanting to have, be, or do something

  • Negative Desires: Not wanting to have, be, or do something

Whenever you hold onto either of these desires, it creates misery and suffering. If you can let go of the desire, the unhappiness it creates will go away and you will experience your natural state of peace and joy.

The Problem with Positive Desires

When you are wanting something, it creates a feeling of lack. And lack doesn’t feel good. The feeling of lack or limitation is agonizing. When you focus on what you don’t have, you are unhappy.

You might think having, being, or doing that thing you want will make you happy, but happiness comes from within. Even if you do get that thing and feel happy, the feeling of happiness is still coming from within.

So why not skip the intermediary and just feel happy now? When you make your happiness dependent on people, things, or circumstances, you are giving your power away. What you are really saying is that your happiness is dependent on the external world. There is no freedom in that.

When you make your happiness dependent on external circumstances, you are giving your power away. What you can do instead is let go of the desire. When you do this, you will feel more and more happiness because you are eliminating the agonizing feeling of lack.

Now you might be saying, “If I let go of wanting something, how will I get it?” And in reply I would say, wanting is not the same as having. Wanting can often get in the way of having.

Why Wanting Won’t Lead to Having

Have you ever been on a date with someone and they acted so needy and desperate that you got turned off and didn’t want to date them anymore? Or have you ever talked with a pushy salesperson who was so eager to make the sale that you didn’t buy, even though you liked the product or service they were offering?

Compare those two scenarios with the opposite. Imagine going on date with someone and they are completely confident and able to express themselves honestly. Or think about talking with a salesperson with genuine interest in you and your needs rather than just wanting to get the sale.

Which of these two scenarios do you think is more likely to lead to success? If you guessed the latter, you’re right! When you are coming from a place of “I am enough” or “I have enough” you don’t engage in self-defeating behaviors like neediness or pushing for the sale. And you don’t experience the agony and misery that the sense of lack brings.

The Problem with Negative Desires

There is another type of desire that also creates suffering, and that is the desire to not have, be or do something. Another word for negative desires is aversion. Aversions also create misery and suffering, but for different reasons than positive desires.

When you have the desire to not experience something, you are still picturing it in your mind. When you picture something you don’t want in your mind, you are already experiencing it, at least internally. You experience the misery and suffering you think that thing will bring.

And picturing what you don’t want in your mind can manifest it into your experience. The reason why is that we tend to get what we focus on. One of the most common causes of car accidents is something called target fixation.

Loosely defined, target fixation is a behavior in which a person becomes so focused on a singular object that they tend to ride (or drive) straight into it. This occurs more commonly in motorcyclists because the steering on a motorcycle is much more attuned to the minuscule, sometimes-subconscious, movements of the rider.

You could also say that the steering of your life is more attuned to the minuscule, sometimes-subconscious, movements of you, the rider. So when you focus on something you want to avoid, you will often subconsciously steer yourself towards it.

Letting Go of Desires: The Secret to Happiness and Havingness

There is a way to avoid the pain and suffering that both positive and negative desires create: letting them go. When you let go of desire, you also let go of the suffering they create. And you will avoid the subconscious behaviors that lead to undesirable outcomes.

Letting go of desires is easy. It make take a while to completely let go of any given desire or aversion, but with persistent effort, you can be free of desire and the suffering it creates.

In my coaching program, I teach several different ways of letting go. But to get you started, I’m going to share with you one of the simplest and most powerful ways to release desires: welcoming.

To welcome something is to allow it to be here - opening to it fully. When you do this, there is an opening inside and the desire often releases all on it’s own. Welcoming is the opposite of what we normally do with desires. What we normally do is hold onto the desire - clutching or gripping it as tightly as we can.

And gripping onto a desire like that is what creates suffering. This clutching also is the cause of self-defeating behaviors that lead to undesirable outcomes. If you do the opposite, then the desire and the suffering it creates will release.

The 3 Elements of Desire and Misery

With any desire we have, there are three aspects to it:

  • The desire itself

  • The wanting to do something with or about it

  • The sense that it’s personal, that it’s about you or who you are

If you welcome or acknowledge these three elements of a desire, it will release all on its own. But you don’t have to take my word for it. Let’s try it now so you can see how it works.

Exercise: Letting Go of Positive Desires

Allow yourself to focus inside and think of something you’ve been wanting. Something you want to have, be, or do. And just take the first thought or feeling that comes to mind.

And could you welcome whatever pictures, sensations, or sounds that brings up in awareness? Could you allow that to be here, just for now?

Next, could you welcome any wanting to do something with or about that? Notice any wanting to fix it, any wanting to change it, or any wanting to figure it out. Just notice or allow any and all wanting associated with that desire.

And then could you welcome any sense of “me” or “mine”? Could you welcome any sense that it’s personal, about you or who you are?

And then, just for you, could you let go of that desire, as best you can?

If you’re struggling with this, remember, wanting is not the same as having. When you let go of wanting, you make room for having. So do the best you can to let go of this desire.

Repeat the above steps as many times as necessary to let go of the desire. When you do this, do a quick check inside and notice how you feel. Do you feel more happy or more at ease? If not, keep working with this process. If you spent only a few days letting go of desires it will make a huge difference in your overall experience of life.

Exercise: Letting Go of Negative Desires

Now let’s do an exercise to help you let go of aversions or fears. These negative desires also create misery and suffering in your life. The more you can let them go, the happier you will feel. 

Watch the video below or scroll down for the text version of the exercise. 

Allow yourself to focus inside and think of something you’ve been wanting to avoid. Something you don’t want to have, be, or do. And just take the first thought or feeling that comes to mind.

And could you welcome whatever pictures, sensations, or sounds that brings up in awareness? Could you allow that to be here, just for now?

Next, could you welcome any wanting to do something with our about that? Notice any wanting to fix it, any wanting to change it, or any wanting to figure it out. Just notice or allow any and all wanting associated with that desire.

And then could you welcome any sense of “me” or “mine”? Could you welcome any sense that it’s personal, about you or who you are?

And then, just for you, could you let go of that aversion or fear, as best you can?

If you’re struggling with this, remember that focusing on something you don’t can cause you to unconsciously steer yourself in that direction. The more you can let go of wanting to avoid something, the less likely it is to enter your experience. And you won’t experience the suffering that picturing that undesirable outcome in your mind creates.

Repeat the above steps as many times as necessary to let go of that fear or aversion. When you do this, do a quick check inside and notice how you feel. Do you feel more happy or more at ease? If not, keep working with this process. If you spent only a few days letting go of negative desires it will make a huge difference in your overall experience of life.

The Truth About Love (It’s Not What You Think)

Love is not what you think. What we often think of as love is romantic love.

But romantic love is not true love. It is desire.

The Spanish language recognizes this. In many ways Spanish is more honest than English.

The Spanish word for “I love you” is “te quiero”, which literally translates to “I want you.”

Another word for romantic love could be “egoic love”. It is conditional love.

When we love another in this way, what we’re really saying is, “I love you, but only if you meet my expectations.”

This form of love is limited. And because the ego is involved, the loss of this love creates suffering and emotional pain - grief, anger, guilt, etc.

There’s a common belief that love is outside of us. We believe that love is in the body of others and that we have to get it from their body into our body.

But this isn’t true. All of us have an infinite well of love within us in every moment.

My Experience of True Unconditional Love

When I first realized this unconditional love within myself, the experience was exquisite. It was like an orgasm of the soul.

I had experienced human love several times before. This kind of love can make you sick. When I first fell in love, I couldn’t eat or sleep. I couldn’t think straight, either.

But the experience of unconditional love isn’t like that. There’s a healing quality to it. It brings clarity and peace.

In the moment I first tasted this infinite love, I felt complete redemption. Like all my past wrongdoings had been forgiven or washed away.

And I felt a level of happiness that I didn’t even know was possible.

Anyone Can Experience Unconditional Love

You can experience this infinite love yourself. The process is very simple: let go of all non-love feelings.

These feelings are covering up the true love within us, like clouds covering the sun. As this fog is lifted, the infinite love within us shines brighter and brighter.

The main objective of my coaching program is to let go of non-love feelings. These feelings prevent us from recognizing true unconditional love that is always available to us.

Holding onto non-love feelings also harms our health, finances, and relationships. And they create tremendous suffering.

So you have a big incentive to release non-love feelings.

How to Let Go Of Non-Love Feelings

There are only two steps involved in letting go: welcoming, and deciding to let go of the emotion. This is the opposite of what we usually do with uncomfortable feelings.

We normally try to escape them or get rid of them in some way. This doesn’t work, it only strengthens the power of the emotion. As Carl Jung famously said, “that which you resist, persists”.

Instead of resisting the emotion, welcome or allow it instead. That’s step one. Often allowing is enough for the emotion to release all on its own. If there is still some emotional charge left, the next step is to decide to let it go.

This too goes against our normal behavior. Often we hold onto emotions as if they are meaningful or important.

Feelings Only Lie…

For example, we have a common belief that fear keeps you safe. But that’s simply not true. Most of the time fear works against you.

The paralyzing effect of fear often prevents people from taking the action necessary to keep themselves and loved ones safe. You’ll also hear stories about how people overcame fear to escape danger or achieve great things.

This brings us to the next point about letting go: feelings only lie, they tell you what you will get from letting them go what you are already getting from holding on.

If you can remember that feelings only lie, it will be easier for you to let them go. When you let go, you will feel lighter, happier, and more comfortable. At the very least the suffering that non-love feelings create will be lessened. If you keep letting go, it will disappear or dissolve completely.

Exercise: Letting Go of Non-Love Feelings

Allow yourself to think of some situation in your life where you’ve been feeling non-love feelings. It could be a situation at home, at work, or a traumatic event from your past. 

And just take the first thought or feeling that comes to mind.

And could you welcome whatever pictures, sensations, or sounds that brings up in awareness? Could you allow that to be here, just for now? Could you allow yourself to experience fully, the emotion this situation brings up?

And then, could you let that feeling go? Letting go is just a decision you can make in any moment. If you can say “yes” inside or simply open inside, the feeling will release.

Repeat this process as many times as necessary to release the feeling. It may seem difficult at first or like it’s not working, but it is. Letting go is like a muscle, the more you work it, the stronger it gets.

If you release non-love feelings as they arise, you will soon find yourself releasing these feelings naturally and effortlessly.

And as you let go of non-love feelings, you will feel love more and more. And with that love will comes happiness. The more loving you are, the happier you are.

But don't take my word for it. Try it letting go and see for yourself.  

How to Eliminate Approach Anxiety without Embarrassing Yourself

One of the biggest obstacle that keeps guys from meeting a girl they like is approach anxiety.  This anxiety paralyzes us, and prevents us from approaching a stranger we want to meet. If you don’t start conversations, your dating life will never improve.

Success in dating, like sales, is often a numbers game. The more women you talk to, the higher your chances of finding someone special. It’s not a hard and fast rule, but a good place to start - especially if you haven’t had a lot of success with dating in the past.

Most of us can function normally day to day without too much anxiety. But when we see someone attractive across a crowded room, a wave of uncomfortable feelings washes over us. We enter a catatonic state - unable to act to achieve our goals.

What doesn’t work to eliminate approach anxiety

There are many ways to deal with approach anxiety. The most common is to use alcohol. Many people use this “liquid courage” to help them get through social situations. But when you use alcohol in this way, you are not dealing with the underlying cause of social anxiety. Alcohol numbs these feelings, but when it wears off, the feelings return.

Most of your best opportunities to meet women are not in bars or clubs. There’s a lot of competition there and women, especially attractive women, have their guard up. Attractive women get approached by dozens of drunk horny dudes at bars and clubs. Some of those dudes are huge jerks. To that hot brunette you’ve been eyeing, you’re just drunk guy #29. She doesn’t know the difference between you and the guy who said something nasty to her 15 minutes ago.

If you really want to master women and dating, you’ll have to learn how to deal with uncomfortable feelings in a healthy and effective way. Doing this will give you the emotional maturity needed to form a healthy, strong relationship. And in this article, you’ll discover exactly how to do that.

Logic and reason won't work, either.

Another way I’ve seen dating coaches try to help their students deal with approach anxiety is by using logic and reason. They will tell their students it’s “illogical” to feel approach anxiety. That its a holdover from our hunter-gatherer days when social rejection could lead to injury or death. They’ll say things like “don’t put the girl on a pedestal” or “don’t be attached to the outcome”.

The problem with this is approach anxiety is emotional. Logic and reason cannot overcome emotions. Have you ever heard that people make decisions based on emotion and justify them with logic afterwards? This is absolutely true.

Harvard professor Gerald Zaltman says that 95% of our buying decisions are subconscious. He found in his research that what people really think or feel often contradicts what they say.

Why aren't consumers truthful about their purchasing thoughts and feelings? Well, a big reason is they are driven by unconscious urges, the biggest of which is emotion.

Our Emotions drive our purchasing behaviors, and our decision making. Hearing about how approach anxiety is irrational or illogical might sound helpful, but it’s not going to help you overcome it. You can reason to yourself all day about how illogical it is, but when it’s time to approach, your emotions kick in and you’ll feel anxiety.

The only way to eliminate approach anxiety is by dealing with the emotions directly. This is a huge shortcut to becoming confident with women. Later on in this article I’m going to show you exactly how to do that.

Neuro-Linguistic programming and other pseudo-scientific gimmicks

Maybe you've heard of NLP. Single men will take NLP courses to “reprogram” their minds into being unafraid to talk to pretty girls. These courses use all kinds of weird techniques to cure people of fears and phobias, with mixed results. Tony Robbins is probably the most well known practitioner of NLP. Were it that easy, then everyone would be rich, successful, and totally confident after one Tony Robbins seminar.

What all these people are really good at is not reprogramming the mind, but selling what they do as a solution to life’s problems. Tony Robbins is a master of sales and marketing above all else. I should know, I used to drink the Tony Robbins kool-aid. I tried everything he recommended, earnestly, and got zero results. Later in life I discovered something that actually worked, and later on in this article I will reveal these “secrets” to you.

What will actually eliminate your approach anxiety

The one thing that works to eliminate approach anxiety taking action. To conquer approach anxiety, you have to talk to a lot of women. Eventually you’ll get enough experience that you no longer feel anxiety. Experience makes all the difference between a guy who doesn’t feel approach anxiety and a guy who does.

When I first decided to get my dating life handled, I had terrible approach anxiety. I suffered from shyness and insecurities throughout high school, middle school, and college. Most of the advice I heard from dating gurus regarding approach anxiety was that you had to “just do it”. And after a few thousand interactions you won’t feel the anxiety anymore.

So I did that. And after a few years (years!), I finally got to the point where opening conversations with attractive women was no big deal.

This is the ugly truth about overcoming approach anxiety: if you aren’t confident initiating conversations with attractive women now, it will take you years of experience to get there.

Most men don’t want to hear this. People want a quick fix for their problems. That’s why alcohol is so popular as a “social lubricant”. It’s also why pick-up artists and dating gurus are able to make millions selling their “magic pick-up lines” and other snake oil. These things all offer a “magic pill” solution to life’s problems.

The shortcut to confidence: letting go

The good news is I have discovered a way to speed up your journey to overcome approach anxiety. It’s a way of processing feelings and emotions and it has completely transformed all aspects of my life, relationships included. It can do the same for you too.

By combining this with your approaches, it will greatly speed up your progress. You will be able to eliminate approach anxiety in a matter of weeks or months, rather than years.

Ego: the root cause of approach anxiety

I mentioned earlier that emotions dictate our decisions and behavior. But what causes emotions? I posit that there are three primary drivers of all emotions. I call these “ego motivations” because they drive the “little me” or limited self. This limited self, the ego, keeps us stuck in life - unable to act to achieve our goals.

There are three ego motivations, they are:

  • Wanting approval - The desire to be liked, loved, and approved of.

  • Wanting control - The desire to control our environment, get what we want, etc.

  • Wanting security - The desire to feel safe, secure, and comfortable.

These ego motivations create all emotions, which in turn create thoughts and behaviors. Letting go of ego motivations eradicates the limiting emotions and thoughts they create. 

In order to be successful in any endeavor, you must want your goal more than you want approval, control, or security. By doing this, you can let go of these limiting ego motivations, overcome the fear and anxiety they create, and take the necessary actions.

How wanting approval creates approach anxiety

When you see a pretty girl you want to meet, you want her to like you and approve of you. But this desire for approval also creates the fear of disapproval or the fear of rejection. And this fear of disapproval is one of the emotions involved in approach anxiety. Letting go of wanting approval eliminates the fear of disapproval and the anxiety it creates.

Wanting a woman’s approval also causes many other self-defeating behaviors in dating and relationships. Often guys will want a woman’s approval so bad, they shower them with compliments, give them expensive gifts, and bend over backwards for them. Women hate this kind of thing. Women who experience this feel like they are being bribed or obligated to be with that guy. It doesn’t feel good to be pressured like that. That’s why women will often only to be reject or “friend-zone” guys who do this.

This also explains why women date jerks. These types of guys are don’t care about getting approval. Because they don’t want approval, they don’t engage in the kinds of supplicating, needy behavior that can be a huge turn-off for most women.

The more you can let go of wanting approval, the more you will eliminate approach anxiety and supplicating behavior.

How wanting control creates approach anxiety

When you see an someone you want to talk to, you want the interaction to go your way. You want to have control in the situation. And this creates the fear it won’t go your way; the fear that you don’t or won’t have control in that situation.

Fear of losing control creates anxiety. When you are afraid of something, you are picturing in your mind what you don’t want. And it doesn’t feel good to hold in mind what we don’t want. Yet we do this all the time. The root cause of this is the desire for control, which creates the fear of losing control. The only way to overcome this cycle is to let go of wanting control.

And I’m not saying let go of being in control or having control. I’m saying let go of wanting it. Wanting is not the same as having. When you are wanting something, what you are really saying is that you don’t have it. We never want things we already have. We only want things we don’t have. In wanting control what you are saying is “I don’t have control” or “I’m not in control”. And this creates anxiety.

Another problem with wanting control makes out outcome dependent. You want things to go your way. And being attached to the outcome is one of the best ways to strike out with an attractive woman. When you’re attached the outcome, you’re so focused on making things go your way that you can’t act relaxed and natural. And this causes anxiety for both yourself and the girl you’re talking to.

Letting go of wanting control creates a feeling of relaxation and ease. You don’t feel anxiety and you aren’t attached to the outcome. You are free to be your charming self and act natural. What could be sexier than that?

How wanting security creates approach anxiety

Security is the main driver for everything. We want the approval of others because we want to feel safe. The desire for control is created by the desire to be safe and secure. But when you are wanting safety, you are holding in mind a picture of vulnerability. That could create anxiety for anyone.

Wanting safety or security is the main cause of all anxieties and fears. The ultimate fear is the fear of death. But for many men, getting rejected by a woman is a fate worse than death. It’s irrational, but it’s real for a lot of guys.

Letting go of wanting security or wanting to be safe stops anxiety at its source. The only way to overcome anxiety is to take action and see first hand how irrational your fears and anxieties are. But if you are wanting security so much that you never take any risk, you’ll never overcome anxiety and your dating life will flounder.

Putting it into practice

Here’s how to put this into practice to eliminate approach anxiety as quickly as possible. When you see a woman you want to talk to and you feel anxiety, here’s what to do:

Step 1: Accept or allow the anxiety to be there. 

Notice and allow the sensations in your body as well as pictures and thoughts it might bring up. The normal reaction to something like anxiety is to try and push the anxiety away or get rid of it. But this only makes it stronger. Carl Jung famously said, “that which you resist, persists”.

When you are fighting against something, you’re giving it your attention. And by doing this, you’re giving it more power than it has. Accepting or allowing it creates some space. This acceptance or welcoming can lessen the anxiety all on it’s own.

Step 2: Become aware of the ego motivation behind the anxiety

The next step is to become aware of the ego motivation creating the anxiety. Check inside and see if you are wanting approval, control, or security. It might feel like it’s all three, and that’s okay. Just notice or become aware of the desire for approval, control, or security.

Step 3: Let go of wanting approval, control, or security

The final step is to make the conscious choice to let go of wanting approval, control, or security. It is this wanting that is creating the anxiety in the first place. By making the choice to let go of wanting these things, the anxiety will lessen or disappear entirely.

If you are having trouble letting go, just ask yourself, “would I rather want approval, or would I rather have it?” “would I rather want control, or would I rather have control?” By wanting these things, you are creating a feeling of lack and limitation. You are affirming your lack of approval, control, and security. And these feelings of lack and limitation create anxiety.

Letting go of wanting creates a feeling of having - a feeling of wholeness or completeness. And if you can open a conversation with a woman from a place of wholeness or completeness, your chances of success are much higher. We call people who feel whole and complete within themselves “confident”. And nothing is more attractive than that.

Step 4: Make the approach and keep letting go

If you’ve done steps 1-3 you should feel less anxiety or maybe even none at all. The next step is to walk up and talk to her. Once you initiate the conversation, this may bring up more emotion. As you converse with this new girl, keep letting go of wanting approval, control, and security.

Every time you let go, you lessen the power your emotions have over you. If you keep meeting new women, and keep letting go, soon approach anxiety will be a thing of the past. This could happen in a matter of weeks or months rather than years. It all depends on your willingness to let go.

You can use the above process for anything. Someone cuts you off in traffic and you feel angry? Welcome the feeling and let go of the ego motivation behind the feeling. Your coworkers annoying you? Welcome the feeling and let go of the ego motivation behind the feeling. The more you can put this letting go into practice in your daily life, the more confidence you will gain in all aspects of your life.

Try it out for yourself and let me know if you have any questions!

Want more help with women and dating?

Now you can get a free 1-on-1 coaching session with me to help you improve your dating and relationships. You'll discover my "secret" method to overcome emotional barriers that sabotage your success.

To claim your free session, sign up below. On the next page, you'll be connected with my scheduling app where you can find a time that works best for you. Looking forward to meeting you. Have a great day!

How to Overcome Shame and Guilt and Love Yourself Instead

Shame and guilt often come up around relationships, especially after a breakup. Because these feelings are so common - so damaging to our lives and our communities - I decided to write an entire blog post on overcoming guilt and shame.

Guilt and shame exist at low vibrational frequencies. These emotions have a horrific effect on our lives.

The effects of guilt and shame include:

  • Lower energy

  • Lower power

  • Poorer life circumstances

  • Poorer relationships

  • Less abundance and success

  • Less love and happiness

  • Poorer physical and emotional health

Because of the low energy of these emotions, people whose consciousness resides in this state drain us on all levels. We tend to avoid people like this. They often find themselves surrounded by people on the same level (e.g., in jail). Perhaps worst of all, when your consciousness lies at the level of shame and guilt, you don’t even want to be around yourself - much less those like you.

Here's the good news about shame and guilt:

But the good news is these feelings can be easily let go of or released. They are like a tiny smudge on the vast, innocent ocean of perfection and love that is your true nature. As you let go of negative feelings, you will feel more positive feelings - more of what you truly are. You will feel more courageous and loving. You will notice increasing effectiveness, success in life, and a more effortless abundance of everything you are seeking.

As you let go, people will naturally want to be around you. Our state of consciousness emanates from us like a field. When people come into contact with each other, they feel each other’s consciousness - at least on a subconscious level. You may not be aware of this, but it's true if you think about it.

Why some people have "bad vibes" and "good vibes"

How often have you come into contact with someone and thought to yourself: “he had a bad vibe” or “she had a good vibe”? You can detect someone’s “vibe” because you can perceive their field of consciousness.

Those who occupy higher, more positive levels of consciousness attract others. People want to be around them because their positive frequency makes those around them feel good. This explains why people like Gandhi attract huge crowds of people. They have large, positive energy fields and it feels amazing to be in their presence.

The same is possible for you. As you let go of negative feelings like guilt and shame, you will raise your vibrational frequency and your life will begin to improve. At first, these feelings will keep coming up. But the more you let go of these feelings, the more you will have energy and courage to handle them. Why? Because in letting go, you have taken back your power and self-adequacy.

Shame and guilt rarely manifest as pure states in an individual.

In the next section, I’m going to describe guilt and shame in more detail. While you read this, keep in mind these feelings rarely manifest as pure states in an individual. Levels of consciousness vary; you may operate on one level in a given area of your life and on quite another level in another area.

For example, you may be courageous in your career, but experience guilt and shame around relationships. Or you might feel guilt and shame in regards to your body and your health, but feel much more positive about the rest of your life.

Your overall level of consciousness consists of the sum total effect of these various levels. If you raise your level in one area, the rest of your life get a boost also. Sometimes when people work on relationship issues, their career improves first. Or someone is working on money issues and their relationships improve.

Letting go of shame and guilt improves your experience of life.

Regardless of where you are feeling guilt and shame in your life, letting these feelings go will result in a tremendous improvement of your overall experience of life. Guilt and shame represent the heaviest of emotions. If you drop them, you will be casting off a great burden from your consciousness. You will likely feel lighter and more energetic right away. And if not, then please persist in letting them go. The more you put into this, the more you will get out of it.

The truth about shame and how it affect us.

The level of shame is perilously proximate to death. Those who feel strong feelings of shame often choose conscious suicide or, more subtly, electing for death by failing to take care of themselves. Commonly, people at this level of consciousness often die due to avoidable accident or reckless behavior.

We all have some awareness of the pain of “losing face” or feeling like a “nonperson.” In Shame, we hang our heads and slink away, wishing we could immaterialize.

Traditionally, banishment comes with shame. In the ancient societies we all originate from, banishment equivocates to death. Humans are social creatures and we cannot survive on our own.

The effects of guilt and shame on addiction.

Early life experiences such as sexual abuse or neglect lead to shame. These experiences warp how we perceive ourselves and the world around us. Dr. Gabor Maté writes in his book In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts, that the homeless drug addicts he treated all had one thing in common: they all suffered severe neglect and abuse as children.

These poor souls used drugs in a desperate attempt to escape the guilt and shame instilled in them as children. These people to rarely recover from their addiction, and their life expectancy is short. The only way to recover from addiction is to let go of the emotional pain you are using the addiction to escape from.

Shame is a tool of cruelty.

People use shame as a tool of cruelty, and its victims often become cruel themselves. Shamed children brutalize animals and each other. The behavior of people whose consciousness remains this low is dangerous: prone to paranoid delusions, some become psychotic or commit heinous crimes. Serial killers often act out of sexual moralism, they justify their crimes as punishment for “bad” women.

Some shame-based individuals compensate with perfectionism and rigidity, becoming driven and intolerant. Notorious examples are the moral extremists who dig up some minor “offense” a public figure committed in the past and publicly shame them for it. They project their own unconscious shame onto others and they then feel justified in attacking them. Since shame pulls down the whole level of consciousness, Shame results in a vulnerability to the other negative emotions, and therefore often produces false pride, anger, and guilt.

The truth about guilt and how it affects us.

Guilt, so commonly used in our society to manipulate and punish, manifests itself in a variety of expressions:

  • Remorse

  • Self-recrimination

  • Masochism

  • Victim-hood and Victim consciousness

  • Unforgiving attitudes

Because guilt demands punishment, it often results in disease, accident proneness, and self-harm. A common self-inflicted punishment is denying ourselves the good things in life we desire: loving relationships, success, abundance, and good health. Just like our parents punished us for bad behavior by withholding dessert or playtime, we punish ourselves by denying ourselves the good things in life.

Guilt-dominated consciousness results in a preoccupation with sin or wrongdoing.  Those who feel guilty often have an unforgiving emotional attitude frequently exploited by religious and political demagogues. They use guilt for coercion and control of others. Such “sin-and-salvation” merchants, obsessed with punishment, act out their own guilt, or project it onto others.

How guilt affects relationships and sexual behavior.

Another way guilt manifests is in self-harm or the desire for pain and punishment. The massive success of the book and movie 50 Shades of Grey and the popularity of sadomasochism shows just how much guilt exists in our culture. Women are especially drawn to this because our society makes them feel guilty for having sexual desire or expressing their sexuality. Punishment and humiliation in the context of sexuality brings gratification to guilt they feel regarding their sexuality.

Guilt provokes rage and violence.

Guilt provokes rage, often expressed in murder and killing. We often think of anger as the emotion of violence and killing, but way more people are killed because of shame and guilt than anger.

Capital punishment exemplifies how killing brings gratification to a guilt-ridden society. The American culture, for instance, scorns its victims in the press and dispenses harsh punishments that have never been demonstrated to have any deterrent or corrective value.

Many people struggle with guilt their entire lives. Others desperately attempt escape by amorally denying it altogether through things like atheism and moral relativism. But denying guilt does not make it go away. Only by letting it go or surrendering to it, can you become free of guilt.

How to overcome shame and guilt.

As with any emotion, guilt and shame can be easily let go of. Because it is so contrary to our innate innocence and perfection, it feels heavy. Holding onto these feelings can be like dragging a steel anchor behind us everywhere we go.

Because they feel so heavy, letting them go results in a huge boost to your consciousness and quality of life. In contrast, emotions like anger and pride can be much harder to let go of because carry much more power and energy and guilt and shame.

The simplest way to overcome shame and guilt

The quickest, and simplest way to let go of guilt and shame is to welcome the feeling, and then make the decision let it go. This is the opposite of what we normally do with uncomfortable feelings. What we usually do is try to push these feelings away or hold onto them as if they are real, meaningful, or important. And while you are trying to push them away, you are also holding on to them. To cease to fight with them or attempt to figure them out is to be free from these feelings.

Instead, if you decide to welcome the feelings of guilt and shame, they will release all on their own. The decision to let them go is often unnecessary, but can be helpful for especially sticky feelings.

So let’s first try this with shame:

Allow yourself to think of some situation where you are feeling shame. Where you’ve been feeling belittled, disgraced, or dishonored.

And just take the first thought or feeling that comes to mind.

And could you welcome whatever pictures, sensations, or sounds that brings up in awareness? Could you allow that to be here just for now?

And could you let that feeling go, as best you can? Could you drop it, or just open inside and allow the feeling of shame to release?

Do this as many times as needed to release the feeling of shame.

Now let’s do the same process with guilt:

Allow yourself to think of some situation where you’ve been feeling guilt. Where you’ve been feeling regret, remorse, or like “it’s your fault.”

And just take the first thought or feeling that comes to mind.

And could you welcome whatever pictures, sensations, or sounds that brings up in awareness? Could you allow that to be here just for now?

And could you let that feeling go, as best you can? Could you drop it, or just open inside and allow the feeling of guilt to release?

After you’ve let go of these emotions, you can include the bonus process of choosing to love. See below for more information.

The 3-Step process for releasing guilt and shame

Another way you can overcome guilt and shame is with this three step process. It’s a little different than the previous exercise, but not much. Some people find it to be more effective than the above process. I recommend you try both and see which one works best for you.

Step 1: Become aware of the feeling and allow it to be here.

The first step to letting to become aware of it. Oftentimes, we try everything we can to escape or avoid feelings like shame. We use things like drugs, alcohol, television, sex, etc to numb the pain. But when we do this, it doesn’t make them go away. It only covers up the emotion and the pain for a short while.

Instead of trying to avoid the feeling, allow it to be here instead. Allow yourself to experience it fully. Feel whatever sensations in the body arise with that feeling. Notice any pictures or sounds in your head it’s bringing up. The more you can allow or welcome the pictures, sensations, and sound associated with the feeling of shame, the more easily it will release. To welcome or allow opens your emotional floodgates. When you do this, the emotion flows out naturally just like water would.

Step 2: Notice and allow any wanting to do anything with or about the emotion

Next, notice any wanting to do something with or about that feeling. When we experience an uncomfortable feeling like shame, the first response is to want to get rid of it or push it away. And this keeps it stuck. In fighting with the emotion, we only make it stronger. So along with the sensations, pictures and sounds, notice also any wanting to do anything with or about that emotion.

Step 3: Notice and allow how personal it feels 

And finally, these emotions feel personal. When we experience something like shame, there is a sense of ownership - like it’s about you, about who you are, or that it belongs to you. So notice and welcome or allow any sense the feeling is personal.

Bonus Step: Choose to love yourself

After you follow the first 3 steps, you should at least feel much lighter. But you don’t have to stop there. In doing the first 3 steps, you have most likely created a lot more inner space. Now you have some room to feel love. At this point, you can choose to feel love for yourself or simply to choose love instead of shame.

Love constitutes a high vibrational frequency. It remains much closer to your true nature than shame or guilt. The more you can feel love, the more it will burn away the negative, lower vibration emotions like guilt and shame. It may seem difficult to love at first, but just allow yourself to love as much as you do or as much as you can.

It may only be a little at first, but as you stretch into love, you will feel more love flowing into your consciousness. It’s like trickle of water flowing through a hole in a dam. It may be a small hole and a tiny trickle at first, but over time the water will carve a larger and larger hole. Soon there will be a deluge of water flowing from a gaping hole.

As you let go of shame and guilt, you increase your capacity to love.

As you choose to let go of shame and guilt and choose love instead, your capacity to love will increase. And with that love, comes everything you’ve ever wanted - happiness, the love and affection of others, great abundance, and limitless joy.

Eliminate Shame and Guilt Now

Now you can get a free 1-on-1 coaching session with me to help you let go of shame and guilt. You'll discover my "secret" method to easily release shame and love yourself instead.

To claim your free session, sign up below. On the next page, you'll be connected with my scheduling app where you can find a time that works best for you.

How to Get Over a Bad Breakup Fast

Breakups are painful. It hurts to lose someone you cared for - even if you know deep down it’s for the best. The feelings of shame, guilt, grief, and apathy left after a relationship ends can be painful. Sometimes we carry these feelings for far too long. This robs us of our enjoyment and colors our perception. Often people with unresolved feelings from previous relationships will end up repeating the same patterns with different relationships.

It doesn’t have to be this way. In this article, you’re going to discover some simple, proven techniques you can use get over a breakup quickly.

Relationships Take Time to Heal

Anytime a relationship ends, it takes time to heal. Like a physical wound, there’s a healing process that takes time. However, it doesn’t have to take that long. A physical wound can take a few days, a few weeks, or a few months, but usually not longer. Healing the emotional wounds left after a breakup doesn’t have to take longer than that either.

Picking a wound or not caring for it properly slows down the healing process. The same goes for the emotional wounds left behind after a breakup. We often pick our emotional wounds after a breakup or don’t tend them properly.

Here are some common ways we slow down the healing process:

Blame and Judgement

We frequently blame ourselves or our partner after a breakup. But blame won’t do you any good. It doesn’t matter who did what or what went wrong. The relationship is over. When we blame or judge, we are focusing on the negative aspects of the relationship. This doesn’t feel good and it doesn’t serve you.

And blame and judgement demand punishment. When you blame or judge, it’s you who gets the punishment. We punish ourselves after a breakup in many different ways. One of the common ways is to go right back into another dysfunctional relationship. We put ourselves through the same painful process all over again. Another way we punish ourselves is to deny ourselves any relationship or love. A life devoid of love is the ultimate punishment because without love, there is no happiness or joy.

When you let go of the guilt and forgive yourself and your former partner you will stop punishing yourself. This article show you a practical exercise for doing this.

Trying to Escape or Suppress the Pain

Another way we slow down the healing process is to escape or suppress the emotional pain. We do this in many ways. A few examples include food, alcohol, or having empty, meaningless sex. Escape can feel good in the moment, but the escape is a temporary fix. After the alcohol wears off, the tub of ice cream lays empty, or the sex ends, the agony returns.

Some people become addicts in their attempt to escape their emotional pain. Because of the temporary nature of escape, we tend to use it as much as we can to escape suffering. This doesn't work. The consequences can ruin our health, careers, finances, and reputation.

Expression and Lashing Out

Another way to deal with a the pain of a breaking is expression. This can be healthier than escaping or suppressing the feelings. Having a good cry or venting your feelings to a friend or therapist can alleviate the suffering of a breakup.

But society conditions us against expression. Society tells us “big girls don’t cry” or “real men don’t cry” and so we often choose suppression and escape rather than expression. And expression isn’t always appropriate in the moment. You wouldn’t want to scream or cry, at work. Many times we’ve suppressed so much we can’t even allow ourselves to express how we feel.

Along with suppression can come lashing out. We feel so angry or betrayed by our partner, we seethe inside and devise ways to get back at them. It may seem like retribution will heal your broken heart, but it will not. Retaliation may give you a temporary boost, but it will only add to your pain. After you have gotten your revenge you may feel more guilt for doing something mean and nasty to another human being, let alone someone you once loved. This guilt only adds to your agony.

Letting Go: The Key to Healing Your Broken Heart

The third and best option for dealing with painful feelings after a breakup is letting go. It’s a natural ability we all have, is seldom used. Have you ever seen a child upset, only to be happy and joyful a few moments later like nothing had happened? This is the magic of letting go. We all had the ability to let go as children, but our parents, society, and institutions conditioned us against it.

They tell us to “suck it up” or “keep a stiff upper lip”. Instead of processing our emotions in a natural way, we suppress them or hold them back. This becomes a habit we carry with us into our adult alives.

You don’t have to keep suppressing your feelings. And you don’t have to express them, either. Letting go is the simplest and most effective way to heal from any past trauma. It’s easy to learn, and easy to do.

How to Let Go

There are only two steps involved in letting go: welcoming, and deciding to let go of the emotion. This is the opposite of what we usually do with uncomfortable feelings. We normally try to escape them or get rid of them in some way. This doesn’t work, it only strengthens the power of the emotion. As Carl Jung famously said, “that which you resist, persists”.

Instead of resisting the emotion, welcome or allow it instead. That’s step one. Often allowing is enough for the emotion to release all on its own. If there is still some emotional charge left, the next step is to decide to let it go. This too goes against our normal behavior. Often we hold onto emotions as if they are meaningful or important.

Feelings Only Lie...

For example, we have a common belief that fear keeps you safe. But that’s simply not true. Most of the time fear works against you. The paralyzing effect of fear often prevents people from taking the action necessary to keep themselves and loved ones safe. You’ll also hear stories about how people overcame fear to escape danger or achieve great things.

This brings us to the next point about letting go: feelings only lie, they tell you what you will get from letting them go what you are already getting from holding on.

Later on we are going to let go of some common post-breakup feelings. And if you can remember that feelings only lie, it will be easier for you to let them go. When you let go, you will feel lighter, happier, and more comfortable. The suffering you feel will at least be lighter. If you keep letting go, it will disappear or dissolve completely.

Common Post-Breakup Feelings and How to Let Them Go

There are several common feelings people experience after a breakup, they are:

  • Shame - A painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior.

  • Guilt - Feeling like it’s your fault and/or judging or blaming others

  • Apathy - Feeling hopeless, helpless, or like you are the victim.

  • Grief - The feeling of sorrow, loss, and regret.

There are, of course, other feelings we can experience after a breakup. The above feelings make breakups the most painful. If you can them let go, you heal the wound left by your relationship rather than picking at it or letting it fester. Letting go of these four feelings will make a huge difference in your post-breakup life.

How to Let Go of Shame

Shame is the most painful of all emotions and proximate to death. Often people kill themselves in one way or another due to intense shame feelings. After a breakup, it’s common to experience the pain of “losing face” or feeling like a “nonperson.” We hang our heads and slink away, wishing we could disappear. 

The good news is because shame is so heavy and painful, there’s a big incentive to let it go. Just like it is easy for you to drop a 100 lb weight, it’s easy to let go of shame. It weighs so heavily on our consciousness and drains our energy, so the incentive to drop it high.

Use this 3-Step Process to Let Go of Shame:

Step 1: Allow yourself to think of some situation in your life, where you’ve been feeling shame. Just take the first thought or feeling that comes to mind.

Step 2: Could you welcome whatever pictures, sensations, or sounds that brings up in awareness? Could you allow that to be here just for now?

Step 3: Could you let go of the feeling of shame? Just do the best you can. It’s just a decision. So could you decide to drop that feeling of shame, just for now?

Repeat these steps until you feel like you’ve released the feeling of shame and you’re ready to move onto the next emotion.

How to Let Go of Guilt

After a breakup, we feel guilt over the things we did or didn’t do. We also judge or blame our former partner for whatever they did or didn’t do. Guilt provokes rage. Sometimes rage leads to murder and killing. We often think of anger as the emotion of violence and killing, but way more people are killed because of feelings of guilt than anger.

You can feel guilt over a breakup for the rest of your life, or you can decide to let it go now and be free of it forever. Letting go of guilt is like pulling out a splinter from your skin. It feels much better and the healing can now begin.

Use this 3-Step Process to Let Go of Guilt:

Step 1: Allow yourself to think of some situation in your life, where you’ve been feeling guilt. Where you’ve been judging or blaming yourself or others. Just take the first thought or feeling that comes to mind.

Step 2: Could you welcome whatever pictures, sensations, or sounds that brings up in awareness? Could you allow that to be here just for now?

Step 3: Could you let go of the feeling of guilt? Just do the best you can. It’s just a decision. So could you decide to drop that feeling of guilt, just for now?

Repeat these steps until you feel like you’ve released the feeling of guilt and you’re ready to move onto the next emotion.

How to Let Go of Apathy

Apathy is a feeling of numbness or powerlessness. Like “it’s no use in trying”. A common apathy-driven dialogue we have after a relationship goes like this:

“I just keep making the same relationship mistakes. I’m no good and the people I date are no good. I guess I’ll be alone forever. Why did I even try?”

Apathy is a better feeling than guilt or shame, but it still feels bad. There’s no power in apathy. Often there is a feeling that we are the victim. It’s a low energy, low empowerment emotional state.

Many people stay in apathy way too long after a breakup. They tell and retell the stories of how terrible their ex was. And this keeps them miserable. You don’t have to do that. You can easily release apathy using the same process we’ve been doing. Here it is:

Use this 3-Step Process to Let Go of Apathy:

Step 1: Allow yourself to think of some situation in your life, where you’ve been feeling apathy. Where you’ve been feeling powerless, like “it’s no use” or like you are the victim. Just take the first thought or feeling that comes to mind.

Step 2: Could you welcome whatever pictures, sensations, or sounds that brings up in awareness? Could you allow that to be here just for now?

Step 3: Could you let go of the feeling of apathy? Just do the best you can. It’s just a decision you can make right now. So could you decide to drop that feeling of apathy, just for now?

Repeat these steps until you feel like you’ve released the feeling of apathy and you’re ready to move onto the next emotion.

How to Let Go of Grief

Grief is common emotion we experience after a breakup. In grief, we feel things are too difficult; we’ll never make it; we are unloving and unlovable. We have thoughts such as, “All the years I’ve wasted.” It is a feeling of sorrow, loss, and regret.

With grief come feelings of abandonment, pain, helplessness, and hopelessness. It’s common to experience nostalgia for the way things were - wishing we could go back.

It’s the feeling: “I’ll never get over this. It’s too difficult. I tried, but nothing helps.”

It’s not too difficult. Grief can be let go of just like any other emotion. There is a natural healing process after a relationship that takes time. You can’t be rid of grief right after a breakup just like you can’t heal your a wound right after the injury. But most people hold onto grief for far too long. They don’t let the wound heal.

Once you let go of grief, you will feel like things are looking up. Like maybe you can love again and that things will be alright. Try it and see for yourself.

Use this 3-Step Process to Let Go of Grief:

Step 1: Allow yourself to think of some situation in your life, where you’ve been feeling grief. Where you’ve been experiencing sorrow, loss, or loneliness. Just take the first thought or feeling that comes to mind.

Step 2: Could you welcome whatever pictures, sensations, or sounds that brings up in awareness? Could you allow that to be here just for now?

Step 3: Could you let go of the grief? Just do the best you can. It’s just a decision you can make right now. So could you decide to drop that feeling, just for now?

Repeat these steps until you feel like you’ve released your grief.

Letting Go of Other Breakup Emotions

There are of course many other emotions you might still be going through. But if you continue to welcome them, and let them go then you will release them and they will no longer pain your consciousness.

I hope you continue to use this process. It may seem difficult at first, but the more you do it, the easier it gets. Soon you will find letting go becomes natural for you. And the more you let go, the more you will elevate your mood. You will feel happier and more loving. And this will pave the way for a new relationship - one that’s even better than the one you had before!

I can help you get over your break up...

Now you can get a free 1-on-1 coaching session with me to help you get over your ex and move on with your life. You'll discover my "secret" method that heals past relationships so you can move on with your life.

To claim your free session, sign up below. On the next page, you'll be connected with my scheduling app where you can find a time that works best for you.

>