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How to Eliminate Approach Anxiety without Embarrassing Yourself

One of the biggest obstacle that keeps guys from meeting a girl they like is approach anxiety.  This anxiety paralyzes us, and prevents us from approaching a stranger we want to meet. If you don’t start conversations, your dating life will never improve.

Success in dating, like sales, is often a numbers game. The more women you talk to, the higher your chances of finding someone special. It’s not a hard and fast rule, but a good place to start - especially if you haven’t had a lot of success with dating in the past.

Most of us can function normally day to day without too much anxiety. But when we see someone attractive across a crowded room, a wave of uncomfortable feelings washes over us. We enter a catatonic state - unable to act to achieve our goals.

What doesn’t work to eliminate approach anxiety

There are many ways to deal with approach anxiety. The most common is to use alcohol. Many people use this “liquid courage” to help them get through social situations. But when you use alcohol in this way, you are not dealing with the underlying cause of social anxiety. Alcohol numbs these feelings, but when it wears off, the feelings return.

Most of your best opportunities to meet women are not in bars or clubs. There’s a lot of competition there and women, especially attractive women, have their guard up. Attractive women get approached by dozens of drunk horny dudes at bars and clubs. Some of those dudes are huge jerks. To that hot brunette you’ve been eyeing, you’re just drunk guy #29. She doesn’t know the difference between you and the guy who said something nasty to her 15 minutes ago.

If you really want to master women and dating, you’ll have to learn how to deal with uncomfortable feelings in a healthy and effective way. Doing this will give you the emotional maturity needed to form a healthy, strong relationship. And in this article, you’ll discover exactly how to do that.

Logic and reason won't work, either.

Another way I’ve seen dating coaches try to help their students deal with approach anxiety is by using logic and reason. They will tell their students it’s “illogical” to feel approach anxiety. That its a holdover from our hunter-gatherer days when social rejection could lead to injury or death. They’ll say things like “don’t put the girl on a pedestal” or “don’t be attached to the outcome”.

The problem with this is approach anxiety is emotional. Logic and reason cannot overcome emotions. Have you ever heard that people make decisions based on emotion and justify them with logic afterwards? This is absolutely true.

Harvard professor Gerald Zaltman says that 95% of our buying decisions are subconscious. He found in his research that what people really think or feel often contradicts what they say.

Why aren't consumers truthful about their purchasing thoughts and feelings? Well, a big reason is they are driven by unconscious urges, the biggest of which is emotion.

Our Emotions drive our purchasing behaviors, and our decision making. Hearing about how approach anxiety is irrational or illogical might sound helpful, but it’s not going to help you overcome it. You can reason to yourself all day about how illogical it is, but when it’s time to approach, your emotions kick in and you’ll feel anxiety.

The only way to eliminate approach anxiety is by dealing with the emotions directly. This is a huge shortcut to becoming confident with women. Later on in this article I’m going to show you exactly how to do that.

Neuro-Linguistic programming and other pseudo-scientific gimmicks

Maybe you've heard of NLP. Single men will take NLP courses to “reprogram” their minds into being unafraid to talk to pretty girls. These courses use all kinds of weird techniques to cure people of fears and phobias, with mixed results. Tony Robbins is probably the most well known practitioner of NLP. Were it that easy, then everyone would be rich, successful, and totally confident after one Tony Robbins seminar.

What all these people are really good at is not reprogramming the mind, but selling what they do as a solution to life’s problems. Tony Robbins is a master of sales and marketing above all else. I should know, I used to drink the Tony Robbins kool-aid. I tried everything he recommended, earnestly, and got zero results. Later in life I discovered something that actually worked, and later on in this article I will reveal these “secrets” to you.

What will actually eliminate your approach anxiety

The one thing that works to eliminate approach anxiety taking action. To conquer approach anxiety, you have to talk to a lot of women. Eventually you’ll get enough experience that you no longer feel anxiety. Experience makes all the difference between a guy who doesn’t feel approach anxiety and a guy who does.

When I first decided to get my dating life handled, I had terrible approach anxiety. I suffered from shyness and insecurities throughout high school, middle school, and college. Most of the advice I heard from dating gurus regarding approach anxiety was that you had to “just do it”. And after a few thousand interactions you won’t feel the anxiety anymore.

So I did that. And after a few years (years!), I finally got to the point where opening conversations with attractive women was no big deal.

This is the ugly truth about overcoming approach anxiety: if you aren’t confident initiating conversations with attractive women now, it will take you years of experience to get there.

Most men don’t want to hear this. People want a quick fix for their problems. That’s why alcohol is so popular as a “social lubricant”. It’s also why pick-up artists and dating gurus are able to make millions selling their “magic pick-up lines” and other snake oil. These things all offer a “magic pill” solution to life’s problems.

The shortcut to confidence: letting go

The good news is I have discovered a way to speed up your journey to overcome approach anxiety. It’s a way of processing feelings and emotions and it has completely transformed all aspects of my life, relationships included. It can do the same for you too.

By combining this with your approaches, it will greatly speed up your progress. You will be able to eliminate approach anxiety in a matter of weeks or months, rather than years.

Ego: the root cause of approach anxiety

I mentioned earlier that emotions dictate our decisions and behavior. But what causes emotions? I posit that there are three primary drivers of all emotions. I call these “ego motivations” because they drive the “little me” or limited self. This limited self, the ego, keeps us stuck in life - unable to act to achieve our goals.

There are three ego motivations, they are:

  • Wanting approval - The desire to be liked, loved, and approved of.

  • Wanting control - The desire to control our environment, get what we want, etc.

  • Wanting security - The desire to feel safe, secure, and comfortable.

These ego motivations create all emotions, which in turn create thoughts and behaviors. Letting go of ego motivations eradicates the limiting emotions and thoughts they create. 

In order to be successful in any endeavor, you must want your goal more than you want approval, control, or security. By doing this, you can let go of these limiting ego motivations, overcome the fear and anxiety they create, and take the necessary actions.

How wanting approval creates approach anxiety

When you see a pretty girl you want to meet, you want her to like you and approve of you. But this desire for approval also creates the fear of disapproval or the fear of rejection. And this fear of disapproval is one of the emotions involved in approach anxiety. Letting go of wanting approval eliminates the fear of disapproval and the anxiety it creates.

Wanting a woman’s approval also causes many other self-defeating behaviors in dating and relationships. Often guys will want a woman’s approval so bad, they shower them with compliments, give them expensive gifts, and bend over backwards for them. Women hate this kind of thing. Women who experience this feel like they are being bribed or obligated to be with that guy. It doesn’t feel good to be pressured like that. That’s why women will often only to be reject or “friend-zone” guys who do this.

This also explains why women date jerks. These types of guys are don’t care about getting approval. Because they don’t want approval, they don’t engage in the kinds of supplicating, needy behavior that can be a huge turn-off for most women.

The more you can let go of wanting approval, the more you will eliminate approach anxiety and supplicating behavior.

How wanting control creates approach anxiety

When you see an someone you want to talk to, you want the interaction to go your way. You want to have control in the situation. And this creates the fear it won’t go your way; the fear that you don’t or won’t have control in that situation.

Fear of losing control creates anxiety. When you are afraid of something, you are picturing in your mind what you don’t want. And it doesn’t feel good to hold in mind what we don’t want. Yet we do this all the time. The root cause of this is the desire for control, which creates the fear of losing control. The only way to overcome this cycle is to let go of wanting control.

And I’m not saying let go of being in control or having control. I’m saying let go of wanting it. Wanting is not the same as having. When you are wanting something, what you are really saying is that you don’t have it. We never want things we already have. We only want things we don’t have. In wanting control what you are saying is “I don’t have control” or “I’m not in control”. And this creates anxiety.

Another problem with wanting control makes out outcome dependent. You want things to go your way. And being attached to the outcome is one of the best ways to strike out with an attractive woman. When you’re attached the outcome, you’re so focused on making things go your way that you can’t act relaxed and natural. And this causes anxiety for both yourself and the girl you’re talking to.

Letting go of wanting control creates a feeling of relaxation and ease. You don’t feel anxiety and you aren’t attached to the outcome. You are free to be your charming self and act natural. What could be sexier than that?

How wanting security creates approach anxiety

Security is the main driver for everything. We want the approval of others because we want to feel safe. The desire for control is created by the desire to be safe and secure. But when you are wanting safety, you are holding in mind a picture of vulnerability. That could create anxiety for anyone.

Wanting safety or security is the main cause of all anxieties and fears. The ultimate fear is the fear of death. But for many men, getting rejected by a woman is a fate worse than death. It’s irrational, but it’s real for a lot of guys.

Letting go of wanting security or wanting to be safe stops anxiety at its source. The only way to overcome anxiety is to take action and see first hand how irrational your fears and anxieties are. But if you are wanting security so much that you never take any risk, you’ll never overcome anxiety and your dating life will flounder.

Putting it into practice

Here’s how to put this into practice to eliminate approach anxiety as quickly as possible. When you see a woman you want to talk to and you feel anxiety, here’s what to do:

Step 1: Accept or allow the anxiety to be there. 

Notice and allow the sensations in your body as well as pictures and thoughts it might bring up. The normal reaction to something like anxiety is to try and push the anxiety away or get rid of it. But this only makes it stronger. Carl Jung famously said, “that which you resist, persists”.

When you are fighting against something, you’re giving it your attention. And by doing this, you’re giving it more power than it has. Accepting or allowing it creates some space. This acceptance or welcoming can lessen the anxiety all on it’s own.

Step 2: Become aware of the ego motivation behind the anxiety

The next step is to become aware of the ego motivation creating the anxiety. Check inside and see if you are wanting approval, control, or security. It might feel like it’s all three, and that’s okay. Just notice or become aware of the desire for approval, control, or security.

Step 3: Let go of wanting approval, control, or security

The final step is to make the conscious choice to let go of wanting approval, control, or security. It is this wanting that is creating the anxiety in the first place. By making the choice to let go of wanting these things, the anxiety will lessen or disappear entirely.

If you are having trouble letting go, just ask yourself, “would I rather want approval, or would I rather have it?” “would I rather want control, or would I rather have control?” By wanting these things, you are creating a feeling of lack and limitation. You are affirming your lack of approval, control, and security. And these feelings of lack and limitation create anxiety.

Letting go of wanting creates a feeling of having - a feeling of wholeness or completeness. And if you can open a conversation with a woman from a place of wholeness or completeness, your chances of success are much higher. We call people who feel whole and complete within themselves “confident”. And nothing is more attractive than that.

Step 4: Make the approach and keep letting go

If you’ve done steps 1-3 you should feel less anxiety or maybe even none at all. The next step is to walk up and talk to her. Once you initiate the conversation, this may bring up more emotion. As you converse with this new girl, keep letting go of wanting approval, control, and security.

Every time you let go, you lessen the power your emotions have over you. If you keep meeting new women, and keep letting go, soon approach anxiety will be a thing of the past. This could happen in a matter of weeks or months rather than years. It all depends on your willingness to let go.

You can use the above process for anything. Someone cuts you off in traffic and you feel angry? Welcome the feeling and let go of the ego motivation behind the feeling. Your coworkers annoying you? Welcome the feeling and let go of the ego motivation behind the feeling. The more you can put this letting go into practice in your daily life, the more confidence you will gain in all aspects of your life.

Try it out for yourself and let me know if you have any questions!

Want more help with women and dating?

Now you can get a free 1-on-1 coaching session with me to help you improve your dating and relationships. You'll discover my "secret" method to overcome emotional barriers that sabotage your success.

To claim your free session, sign up below. On the next page, you'll be connected with my scheduling app where you can find a time that works best for you. Looking forward to meeting you. Have a great day!

How to Overcome Shame and Guilt and Love Yourself Instead

Shame and guilt often come up around relationships, especially after a breakup. Because these feelings are so common - so damaging to our lives and our communities - I decided to write an entire blog post on overcoming guilt and shame.

Guilt and shame exist at low vibrational frequencies. These emotions have a horrific effect on our lives.

The effects of guilt and shame include:

  • Lower energy

  • Lower power

  • Poorer life circumstances

  • Poorer relationships

  • Less abundance and success

  • Less love and happiness

  • Poorer physical and emotional health

Because of the low energy of these emotions, people whose consciousness resides in this state drain us on all levels. We tend to avoid people like this. They often find themselves surrounded by people on the same level (e.g., in jail). Perhaps worst of all, when your consciousness lies at the level of shame and guilt, you don’t even want to be around yourself - much less those like you.

Here's the good news about shame and guilt:

But the good news is these feelings can be easily let go of or released. They are like a tiny smudge on the vast, innocent ocean of perfection and love that is your true nature. As you let go of negative feelings, you will feel more positive feelings - more of what you truly are. You will feel more courageous and loving. You will notice increasing effectiveness, success in life, and a more effortless abundance of everything you are seeking.

As you let go, people will naturally want to be around you. Our state of consciousness emanates from us like a field. When people come into contact with each other, they feel each other’s consciousness - at least on a subconscious level. You may not be aware of this, but it's true if you think about it.

Why some people have "bad vibes" and "good vibes"

How often have you come into contact with someone and thought to yourself: “he had a bad vibe” or “she had a good vibe”? You can detect someone’s “vibe” because you can perceive their field of consciousness.

Those who occupy higher, more positive levels of consciousness attract others. People want to be around them because their positive frequency makes those around them feel good. This explains why people like Gandhi attract huge crowds of people. They have large, positive energy fields and it feels amazing to be in their presence.

The same is possible for you. As you let go of negative feelings like guilt and shame, you will raise your vibrational frequency and your life will begin to improve. At first, these feelings will keep coming up. But the more you let go of these feelings, the more you will have energy and courage to handle them. Why? Because in letting go, you have taken back your power and self-adequacy.

Shame and guilt rarely manifest as pure states in an individual.

In the next section, I’m going to describe guilt and shame in more detail. While you read this, keep in mind these feelings rarely manifest as pure states in an individual. Levels of consciousness vary; you may operate on one level in a given area of your life and on quite another level in another area.

For example, you may be courageous in your career, but experience guilt and shame around relationships. Or you might feel guilt and shame in regards to your body and your health, but feel much more positive about the rest of your life.

Your overall level of consciousness consists of the sum total effect of these various levels. If you raise your level in one area, the rest of your life get a boost also. Sometimes when people work on relationship issues, their career improves first. Or someone is working on money issues and their relationships improve.

Letting go of shame and guilt improves your experience of life.

Regardless of where you are feeling guilt and shame in your life, letting these feelings go will result in a tremendous improvement of your overall experience of life. Guilt and shame represent the heaviest of emotions. If you drop them, you will be casting off a great burden from your consciousness. You will likely feel lighter and more energetic right away. And if not, then please persist in letting them go. The more you put into this, the more you will get out of it.

The truth about shame and how it affect us.

The level of shame is perilously proximate to death. Those who feel strong feelings of shame often choose conscious suicide or, more subtly, electing for death by failing to take care of themselves. Commonly, people at this level of consciousness often die due to avoidable accident or reckless behavior.

We all have some awareness of the pain of “losing face” or feeling like a “nonperson.” In Shame, we hang our heads and slink away, wishing we could immaterialize.

Traditionally, banishment comes with shame. In the ancient societies we all originate from, banishment equivocates to death. Humans are social creatures and we cannot survive on our own.

The effects of guilt and shame on addiction.

Early life experiences such as sexual abuse or neglect lead to shame. These experiences warp how we perceive ourselves and the world around us. Dr. Gabor Maté writes in his book In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts, that the homeless drug addicts he treated all had one thing in common: they all suffered severe neglect and abuse as children.

These poor souls used drugs in a desperate attempt to escape the guilt and shame instilled in them as children. These people to rarely recover from their addiction, and their life expectancy is short. The only way to recover from addiction is to let go of the emotional pain you are using the addiction to escape from.

Shame is a tool of cruelty.

People use shame as a tool of cruelty, and its victims often become cruel themselves. Shamed children brutalize animals and each other. The behavior of people whose consciousness remains this low is dangerous: prone to paranoid delusions, some become psychotic or commit heinous crimes. Serial killers often act out of sexual moralism, they justify their crimes as punishment for “bad” women.

Some shame-based individuals compensate with perfectionism and rigidity, becoming driven and intolerant. Notorious examples are the moral extremists who dig up some minor “offense” a public figure committed in the past and publicly shame them for it. They project their own unconscious shame onto others and they then feel justified in attacking them. Since shame pulls down the whole level of consciousness, Shame results in a vulnerability to the other negative emotions, and therefore often produces false pride, anger, and guilt.

The truth about guilt and how it affects us.

Guilt, so commonly used in our society to manipulate and punish, manifests itself in a variety of expressions:

  • Remorse

  • Self-recrimination

  • Masochism

  • Victim-hood and Victim consciousness

  • Unforgiving attitudes

Because guilt demands punishment, it often results in disease, accident proneness, and self-harm. A common self-inflicted punishment is denying ourselves the good things in life we desire: loving relationships, success, abundance, and good health. Just like our parents punished us for bad behavior by withholding dessert or playtime, we punish ourselves by denying ourselves the good things in life.

Guilt-dominated consciousness results in a preoccupation with sin or wrongdoing.  Those who feel guilty often have an unforgiving emotional attitude frequently exploited by religious and political demagogues. They use guilt for coercion and control of others. Such “sin-and-salvation” merchants, obsessed with punishment, act out their own guilt, or project it onto others.

How guilt affects relationships and sexual behavior.

Another way guilt manifests is in self-harm or the desire for pain and punishment. The massive success of the book and movie 50 Shades of Grey and the popularity of sadomasochism shows just how much guilt exists in our culture. Women are especially drawn to this because our society makes them feel guilty for having sexual desire or expressing their sexuality. Punishment and humiliation in the context of sexuality brings gratification to guilt they feel regarding their sexuality.

Guilt provokes rage and violence.

Guilt provokes rage, often expressed in murder and killing. We often think of anger as the emotion of violence and killing, but way more people are killed because of shame and guilt than anger.

Capital punishment exemplifies how killing brings gratification to a guilt-ridden society. The American culture, for instance, scorns its victims in the press and dispenses harsh punishments that have never been demonstrated to have any deterrent or corrective value.

Many people struggle with guilt their entire lives. Others desperately attempt escape by amorally denying it altogether through things like atheism and moral relativism. But denying guilt does not make it go away. Only by letting it go or surrendering to it, can you become free of guilt.

How to overcome shame and guilt.

As with any emotion, guilt and shame can be easily let go of. Because it is so contrary to our innate innocence and perfection, it feels heavy. Holding onto these feelings can be like dragging a steel anchor behind us everywhere we go.

Because they feel so heavy, letting them go results in a huge boost to your consciousness and quality of life. In contrast, emotions like anger and pride can be much harder to let go of because carry much more power and energy and guilt and shame.

The simplest way to overcome shame and guilt

The quickest, and simplest way to let go of guilt and shame is to welcome the feeling, and then make the decision let it go. This is the opposite of what we normally do with uncomfortable feelings. What we usually do is try to push these feelings away or hold onto them as if they are real, meaningful, or important. And while you are trying to push them away, you are also holding on to them. To cease to fight with them or attempt to figure them out is to be free from these feelings.

Instead, if you decide to welcome the feelings of guilt and shame, they will release all on their own. The decision to let them go is often unnecessary, but can be helpful for especially sticky feelings.

So let’s first try this with shame:

Allow yourself to think of some situation where you are feeling shame. Where you’ve been feeling belittled, disgraced, or dishonored.

And just take the first thought or feeling that comes to mind.

And could you welcome whatever pictures, sensations, or sounds that brings up in awareness? Could you allow that to be here just for now?

And could you let that feeling go, as best you can? Could you drop it, or just open inside and allow the feeling of shame to release?

Do this as many times as needed to release the feeling of shame.

Now let’s do the same process with guilt:

Allow yourself to think of some situation where you’ve been feeling guilt. Where you’ve been feeling regret, remorse, or like “it’s your fault.”

And just take the first thought or feeling that comes to mind.

And could you welcome whatever pictures, sensations, or sounds that brings up in awareness? Could you allow that to be here just for now?

And could you let that feeling go, as best you can? Could you drop it, or just open inside and allow the feeling of guilt to release?

After you’ve let go of these emotions, you can include the bonus process of choosing to love. See below for more information.

The 3-Step process for releasing guilt and shame

Another way you can overcome guilt and shame is with this three step process. It’s a little different than the previous exercise, but not much. Some people find it to be more effective than the above process. I recommend you try both and see which one works best for you.

Step 1: Become aware of the feeling and allow it to be here.

The first step to letting to become aware of it. Oftentimes, we try everything we can to escape or avoid feelings like shame. We use things like drugs, alcohol, television, sex, etc to numb the pain. But when we do this, it doesn’t make them go away. It only covers up the emotion and the pain for a short while.

Instead of trying to avoid the feeling, allow it to be here instead. Allow yourself to experience it fully. Feel whatever sensations in the body arise with that feeling. Notice any pictures or sounds in your head it’s bringing up. The more you can allow or welcome the pictures, sensations, and sound associated with the feeling of shame, the more easily it will release. To welcome or allow opens your emotional floodgates. When you do this, the emotion flows out naturally just like water would.

Step 2: Notice and allow any wanting to do anything with or about the emotion

Next, notice any wanting to do something with or about that feeling. When we experience an uncomfortable feeling like shame, the first response is to want to get rid of it or push it away. And this keeps it stuck. In fighting with the emotion, we only make it stronger. So along with the sensations, pictures and sounds, notice also any wanting to do anything with or about that emotion.

Step 3: Notice and allow how personal it feels 

And finally, these emotions feel personal. When we experience something like shame, there is a sense of ownership - like it’s about you, about who you are, or that it belongs to you. So notice and welcome or allow any sense the feeling is personal.

Bonus Step: Choose to love yourself

After you follow the first 3 steps, you should at least feel much lighter. But you don’t have to stop there. In doing the first 3 steps, you have most likely created a lot more inner space. Now you have some room to feel love. At this point, you can choose to feel love for yourself or simply to choose love instead of shame.

Love constitutes a high vibrational frequency. It remains much closer to your true nature than shame or guilt. The more you can feel love, the more it will burn away the negative, lower vibration emotions like guilt and shame. It may seem difficult to love at first, but just allow yourself to love as much as you do or as much as you can.

It may only be a little at first, but as you stretch into love, you will feel more love flowing into your consciousness. It’s like trickle of water flowing through a hole in a dam. It may be a small hole and a tiny trickle at first, but over time the water will carve a larger and larger hole. Soon there will be a deluge of water flowing from a gaping hole.

As you let go of shame and guilt, you increase your capacity to love.

As you choose to let go of shame and guilt and choose love instead, your capacity to love will increase. And with that love, comes everything you’ve ever wanted - happiness, the love and affection of others, great abundance, and limitless joy.

Eliminate Shame and Guilt Now

Now you can get a free 1-on-1 coaching session with me to help you let go of shame and guilt. You'll discover my "secret" method to easily release shame and love yourself instead.

To claim your free session, sign up below. On the next page, you'll be connected with my scheduling app where you can find a time that works best for you.

How to Get Over a Bad Breakup Fast

Breakups are painful. It hurts to lose someone you cared for - even if you know deep down it’s for the best. The feelings of shame, guilt, grief, and apathy left after a relationship ends can be painful. Sometimes we carry these feelings for far too long. This robs us of our enjoyment and colors our perception. Often people with unresolved feelings from previous relationships will end up repeating the same patterns with different relationships.

It doesn’t have to be this way. In this article, you’re going to discover some simple, proven techniques you can use get over a breakup quickly.

Relationships Take Time to Heal

Anytime a relationship ends, it takes time to heal. Like a physical wound, there’s a healing process that takes time. However, it doesn’t have to take that long. A physical wound can take a few days, a few weeks, or a few months, but usually not longer. Healing the emotional wounds left after a breakup doesn’t have to take longer than that either.

Picking a wound or not caring for it properly slows down the healing process. The same goes for the emotional wounds left behind after a breakup. We often pick our emotional wounds after a breakup or don’t tend them properly.

Here are some common ways we slow down the healing process:

Blame and Judgement

We frequently blame ourselves or our partner after a breakup. But blame won’t do you any good. It doesn’t matter who did what or what went wrong. The relationship is over. When we blame or judge, we are focusing on the negative aspects of the relationship. This doesn’t feel good and it doesn’t serve you.

And blame and judgement demand punishment. When you blame or judge, it’s you who gets the punishment. We punish ourselves after a breakup in many different ways. One of the common ways is to go right back into another dysfunctional relationship. We put ourselves through the same painful process all over again. Another way we punish ourselves is to deny ourselves any relationship or love. A life devoid of love is the ultimate punishment because without love, there is no happiness or joy.

When you let go of the guilt and forgive yourself and your former partner you will stop punishing yourself. This article show you a practical exercise for doing this.

Trying to Escape or Suppress the Pain

Another way we slow down the healing process is to escape or suppress the emotional pain. We do this in many ways. A few examples include food, alcohol, or having empty, meaningless sex. Escape can feel good in the moment, but the escape is a temporary fix. After the alcohol wears off, the tub of ice cream lays empty, or the sex ends, the agony returns.

Some people become addicts in their attempt to escape their emotional pain. Because of the temporary nature of escape, we tend to use it as much as we can to escape suffering. This doesn't work. The consequences can ruin our health, careers, finances, and reputation.

Expression and Lashing Out

Another way to deal with a the pain of a breaking is expression. This can be healthier than escaping or suppressing the feelings. Having a good cry or venting your feelings to a friend or therapist can alleviate the suffering of a breakup.

But society conditions us against expression. Society tells us “big girls don’t cry” or “real men don’t cry” and so we often choose suppression and escape rather than expression. And expression isn’t always appropriate in the moment. You wouldn’t want to scream or cry, at work. Many times we’ve suppressed so much we can’t even allow ourselves to express how we feel.

Along with suppression can come lashing out. We feel so angry or betrayed by our partner, we seethe inside and devise ways to get back at them. It may seem like retribution will heal your broken heart, but it will not. Retaliation may give you a temporary boost, but it will only add to your pain. After you have gotten your revenge you may feel more guilt for doing something mean and nasty to another human being, let alone someone you once loved. This guilt only adds to your agony.

Letting Go: The Key to Healing Your Broken Heart

The third and best option for dealing with painful feelings after a breakup is letting go. It’s a natural ability we all have, is seldom used. Have you ever seen a child upset, only to be happy and joyful a few moments later like nothing had happened? This is the magic of letting go. We all had the ability to let go as children, but our parents, society, and institutions conditioned us against it.

They tell us to “suck it up” or “keep a stiff upper lip”. Instead of processing our emotions in a natural way, we suppress them or hold them back. This becomes a habit we carry with us into our adult alives.

You don’t have to keep suppressing your feelings. And you don’t have to express them, either. Letting go is the simplest and most effective way to heal from any past trauma. It’s easy to learn, and easy to do.

How to Let Go

There are only two steps involved in letting go: welcoming, and deciding to let go of the emotion. This is the opposite of what we usually do with uncomfortable feelings. We normally try to escape them or get rid of them in some way. This doesn’t work, it only strengthens the power of the emotion. As Carl Jung famously said, “that which you resist, persists”.

Instead of resisting the emotion, welcome or allow it instead. That’s step one. Often allowing is enough for the emotion to release all on its own. If there is still some emotional charge left, the next step is to decide to let it go. This too goes against our normal behavior. Often we hold onto emotions as if they are meaningful or important.

Feelings Only Lie...

For example, we have a common belief that fear keeps you safe. But that’s simply not true. Most of the time fear works against you. The paralyzing effect of fear often prevents people from taking the action necessary to keep themselves and loved ones safe. You’ll also hear stories about how people overcame fear to escape danger or achieve great things.

This brings us to the next point about letting go: feelings only lie, they tell you what you will get from letting them go what you are already getting from holding on.

Later on we are going to let go of some common post-breakup feelings. And if you can remember that feelings only lie, it will be easier for you to let them go. When you let go, you will feel lighter, happier, and more comfortable. The suffering you feel will at least be lighter. If you keep letting go, it will disappear or dissolve completely.

Common Post-Breakup Feelings and How to Let Them Go

There are several common feelings people experience after a breakup, they are:

  • Shame - A painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior.

  • Guilt - Feeling like it’s your fault and/or judging or blaming others

  • Apathy - Feeling hopeless, helpless, or like you are the victim.

  • Grief - The feeling of sorrow, loss, and regret.

There are, of course, other feelings we can experience after a breakup. The above feelings make breakups the most painful. If you can them let go, you heal the wound left by your relationship rather than picking at it or letting it fester. Letting go of these four feelings will make a huge difference in your post-breakup life.

How to Let Go of Shame

Shame is the most painful of all emotions and proximate to death. Often people kill themselves in one way or another due to intense shame feelings. After a breakup, it’s common to experience the pain of “losing face” or feeling like a “nonperson.” We hang our heads and slink away, wishing we could disappear. 

The good news is because shame is so heavy and painful, there’s a big incentive to let it go. Just like it is easy for you to drop a 100 lb weight, it’s easy to let go of shame. It weighs so heavily on our consciousness and drains our energy, so the incentive to drop it high.

Use this 3-Step Process to Let Go of Shame:

Step 1: Allow yourself to think of some situation in your life, where you’ve been feeling shame. Just take the first thought or feeling that comes to mind.

Step 2: Could you welcome whatever pictures, sensations, or sounds that brings up in awareness? Could you allow that to be here just for now?

Step 3: Could you let go of the feeling of shame? Just do the best you can. It’s just a decision. So could you decide to drop that feeling of shame, just for now?

Repeat these steps until you feel like you’ve released the feeling of shame and you’re ready to move onto the next emotion.

How to Let Go of Guilt

After a breakup, we feel guilt over the things we did or didn’t do. We also judge or blame our former partner for whatever they did or didn’t do. Guilt provokes rage. Sometimes rage leads to murder and killing. We often think of anger as the emotion of violence and killing, but way more people are killed because of feelings of guilt than anger.

You can feel guilt over a breakup for the rest of your life, or you can decide to let it go now and be free of it forever. Letting go of guilt is like pulling out a splinter from your skin. It feels much better and the healing can now begin.

Use this 3-Step Process to Let Go of Guilt:

Step 1: Allow yourself to think of some situation in your life, where you’ve been feeling guilt. Where you’ve been judging or blaming yourself or others. Just take the first thought or feeling that comes to mind.

Step 2: Could you welcome whatever pictures, sensations, or sounds that brings up in awareness? Could you allow that to be here just for now?

Step 3: Could you let go of the feeling of guilt? Just do the best you can. It’s just a decision. So could you decide to drop that feeling of guilt, just for now?

Repeat these steps until you feel like you’ve released the feeling of guilt and you’re ready to move onto the next emotion.

How to Let Go of Apathy

Apathy is a feeling of numbness or powerlessness. Like “it’s no use in trying”. A common apathy-driven dialogue we have after a relationship goes like this:

“I just keep making the same relationship mistakes. I’m no good and the people I date are no good. I guess I’ll be alone forever. Why did I even try?”

Apathy is a better feeling than guilt or shame, but it still feels bad. There’s no power in apathy. Often there is a feeling that we are the victim. It’s a low energy, low empowerment emotional state.

Many people stay in apathy way too long after a breakup. They tell and retell the stories of how terrible their ex was. And this keeps them miserable. You don’t have to do that. You can easily release apathy using the same process we’ve been doing. Here it is:

Use this 3-Step Process to Let Go of Apathy:

Step 1: Allow yourself to think of some situation in your life, where you’ve been feeling apathy. Where you’ve been feeling powerless, like “it’s no use” or like you are the victim. Just take the first thought or feeling that comes to mind.

Step 2: Could you welcome whatever pictures, sensations, or sounds that brings up in awareness? Could you allow that to be here just for now?

Step 3: Could you let go of the feeling of apathy? Just do the best you can. It’s just a decision you can make right now. So could you decide to drop that feeling of apathy, just for now?

Repeat these steps until you feel like you’ve released the feeling of apathy and you’re ready to move onto the next emotion.

How to Let Go of Grief

Grief is common emotion we experience after a breakup. In grief, we feel things are too difficult; we’ll never make it; we are unloving and unlovable. We have thoughts such as, “All the years I’ve wasted.” It is a feeling of sorrow, loss, and regret.

With grief come feelings of abandonment, pain, helplessness, and hopelessness. It’s common to experience nostalgia for the way things were - wishing we could go back.

It’s the feeling: “I’ll never get over this. It’s too difficult. I tried, but nothing helps.”

It’s not too difficult. Grief can be let go of just like any other emotion. There is a natural healing process after a relationship that takes time. You can’t be rid of grief right after a breakup just like you can’t heal your a wound right after the injury. But most people hold onto grief for far too long. They don’t let the wound heal.

Once you let go of grief, you will feel like things are looking up. Like maybe you can love again and that things will be alright. Try it and see for yourself.

Use this 3-Step Process to Let Go of Grief:

Step 1: Allow yourself to think of some situation in your life, where you’ve been feeling grief. Where you’ve been experiencing sorrow, loss, or loneliness. Just take the first thought or feeling that comes to mind.

Step 2: Could you welcome whatever pictures, sensations, or sounds that brings up in awareness? Could you allow that to be here just for now?

Step 3: Could you let go of the grief? Just do the best you can. It’s just a decision you can make right now. So could you decide to drop that feeling, just for now?

Repeat these steps until you feel like you’ve released your grief.

Letting Go of Other Breakup Emotions

There are of course many other emotions you might still be going through. But if you continue to welcome them, and let them go then you will release them and they will no longer pain your consciousness.

I hope you continue to use this process. It may seem difficult at first, but the more you do it, the easier it gets. Soon you will find letting go becomes natural for you. And the more you let go, the more you will elevate your mood. You will feel happier and more loving. And this will pave the way for a new relationship - one that’s even better than the one you had before!

I can help you get over your break up...

Now you can get a free 1-on-1 coaching session with me to help you get over your ex and move on with your life. You'll discover my "secret" method that heals past relationships so you can move on with your life.

To claim your free session, sign up below. On the next page, you'll be connected with my scheduling app where you can find a time that works best for you.

How To Manifest Your Soulmate Using The Law Of Attraction

It can be hard to go through life without a partner - someone who loves and supports you. It doesn’t matter how much wealth or success you achieve, if you don’t have anyone to share it with, it doesn’t do you any good.

Finding your soulmate is one of life’s greatest milestones. It’s something that anyone can do, and it’s a lot easier than you think.

After 11 years of studying the Law of Attraction, I have finally mastered the art of manifestation - creating whatever you desire in life. Using the simple steps I outline in this article, I manifested my ideal relationship in 30 days. You can too. It’s a lot easier than you think. 

What you’re going to discover here is probably different than other teachings you’ve seen. That’s because they are missing a critical element to manifestation - letting go. Without letting go, it’s a lot harder to create. The reason why is when you are holding on, you don’t have any room for anything new. To attract anything into your life, you must first make room for it.

In my free coaching course called “How to Manifest Love”, I go more into depth about letting go and how it affects your ability to use the Law of Attraction in your favor. But for now, understand that letting go is just a decision. All you have to do to let go of something is to decide. That’s all there is to it.

So with that in mind, let’s begin.

Step 1: Get Clear on What You Want

A lot of people think that their soulmate is some premade person just for them. And in some respects, they’re right. But what’s missing is the importance of getting clear on what you want in a partner and a relationship.

If you don’t know what you want in a partner, how will you know it when they show up? How will you know to avoid the wrong person while you wait for the right one? Without getting clear, you may find yourself in a relationship with the wrong person. And when your true soulmate shows up, you can’t be with them because you are committed to someone else.

So start by getting clear on what you want. I recommend that you right down the qualities of your ideal partner and your ideal relationship and review them regularly. You can also refine them as your preferences change.

Here are a few questions to help you get clear:

What does your ideal partner look like?

What do they value?

What are their hobbies?

What activities do you want to do with your partner?

Do you want to have children?

How do they look?How do they act?Are they funny? Are they strong?

How do you want them to treat you?

The more details you can get, the better. When you think about with each quality, become aware of how you feel about it. And then let go of the feeling. The reason why I recommend adding letting go to this process is that sometimes the things you want in your relationship are not what you truly desire.


They are things that your parents or your friends told you that you should want. Or they are things that society or the media told us we should want. But they are not things that you actually want.

As you come with these qualities and let go of your feelings about them, what you truly desire will become more and more clear. The things that other people told you that you should want will go away and your true desires will remain.

This process is the most important place to start. The reason why people don’t get what they want, is because they don’t know what they want. So get clear on what you want and you will find that your ideal relationship comes much sooner than you think is possible.

Part 3 of my “How to Manifest Love” coaching course goes more into depth about getting clear on what you want in a partner and a relationship. 

Click Here to enroll in my free coaching course now.

Step 2: Let Go of Your Attachments and Aversions (Desires and Fears)

With any goal we have, there comes with it attachments and aversions. Attachments are things that we think we need for our happiness and fulfillment. Aversions are things we want to avoid or fears we might have.

Both can get in the way of manifestation. The only way to remove them, is to let them go. And the only way to let go of attachments and aversions is to become aware of them.

Step 2.1: How to Let Go of Fears and Aversions

Let’s first talk about aversions or fears. We all have fears around relationships. And let’s face it, relationships are scary. Most people have been hurt in a relationship at least once. And the pain that pain can be intense - something we never want to feel again.

So we focus on avoiding that pain. We might even avoid dating altogether just to avoid repeating past trauma. But whenever you are focusing on avoiding something, you are still focusing on it. And this makes the Law of Attraction work against you because you’re focusing on what you don’t want.

Remember, the Law of Attraction doesn’t distinguish between good or bad or right or wrong. It simply brings to you what you focus on. So if you want to experience more pain, the best way to do that is to focus avoiding it. That way it remains squarely in your mind and the universe will work diligently to bring it to you.

Oh, you don’t want to experience more pain? Oh ok, well in that case all you have to do is let go of your aversions and fears. And this is easy to to do.

Whenever you catch yourself feeling fear about relationships, just welcome the fear, allow it to be there and experience it fully. It’s important to experience your feelings fully. Most of the time we resist things like fear, and this only makes them stronger. But if you allow them to be there, then they will often leave of their own accord and will no longer take up space in your mind.

If after you have welcomed the fear, there it is still there, you can then decide to let it go. It can often feel like feelings are holding onto you, but in reality you are holding on to them. If you make the decision to let it go, it will release. And you will no longer use the Law of Attraction to create what you don’t want.

I go more into depth about how to let go of feelings like fear in my “How to Manifest Love” coaching course.

If you are interested in taking the course, click here to enroll now

Step 2.2: How to Let Go of Attachments and Desires

Now let’s talk about attachments and desires. You may think that it’s a bad idea to let go of these things. A lot of self-help will tell you that the only reason why you don’t have what you want is because you don’t want it enough.

Nothing could be further from the truth. There are several reasons why this isn’t true. On a metaphysical level, when you are wanting something you are holding in mind lack. You are saying “I don’t have this” or “I’m all alone and nobody loves me”, this sends a signal to the universe: Lack! Lack! Lack!

And the universe will diligently bring you more lack. When you let go of attachments and desires, you will feel a greater feeling of wholeness and completeness. And this feeling will send a signal to the universe of abundance, comfort, and love. And your life circumstances will change to reflect this new paradigm.

On a practical level, attachments can also cause us to engage in self-defeating behaviors. Have you ever talked with a salesperson that was so pushy and eager for the sale that you didn’t want to buy what they were selling, even though you might have otherwise?

Or have you ever been on a date with someone who acted so desperate and needy that you didn’t want to date them?

The root cause of these self-defeating behaviors are attachments or desires. When you attach yourself to something, what you are saying is “I need this for my happiness and fulfillment”. And this creates feelings of lack and desperation. And our feelings affect our behaviors. So if you feel like you are lacking, you will act that out and engage in the self-defeating behaviors I mentioned earlier.

But if you let go, then you will feel more whole and complete within yourself. That is your true nature - your natural state. It is only by holding onto these feelings that we believe otherwise. When you let go of your attachments, you will feel more and more whole and complete in the moment. And this will put an end to self defeating behaviors - forever.

In part 4 of my “How to Manifest Love” coaching course, I go into more depth about letting go of attachments and aversions. I even do a guided release meditation to help you get started. 

You can enroll in this course now by clicking here. 

Step 3: Focus on the Love You Already Have and Be Happy Now.

This is the final component, and arguably the most important. Most people suffer from a terrible disease called “I’ll be happy when X happens” or “I’ll be happy when I have X”. And so they are unhappy for most of their lives. Even when they get what they want, they are happy for a few brief moments and then they find something else - some new goal to defer their happiness to.

People who are unhappy are not attractive. No one wants to be with an unhappy person. But luckily for you, it’s easy to be happy.

Here’s how:

  1. Focus on what you already have

  2. Be loving

We are usually so busy looking at what we don’t have, we never notice what we do have. Even the sunrise can be a source of great joy if you allow yourself to recognize its splendor and glory.

Another way you can do this so to notice and appreciate the relationships you already have that are great. It could even be something so simple as your cheerful barista who always makes your coffee just the right way. The more you can enjoy what you have, the happier you will be and this will make people magnetically attracted to you.

The final secret is to be loving. Most people believe that happiness is when they are being loved - when someone loves them. But if this were true, then celebrities who get love from millions of people would be totally happy. But they aren’t. Some of these people even kill themselves because they are so miserable.

The truth is that the more you love, the happier you are. If you can focus on loving, the love within you will expand. Love is like a muscle, the more you work it, the stronger it gets. And the more you love, the happier you are. Look for things to love every day, as often as you can. If you see a beautiful flower, notice how you love it and see if you can love it even more. And then you will notice how happy you are too.

Soon you will be able to love everything unconditionally. And when you can do this, you will also be unconditionally happy. And this is the most attractive way to live. If you love unconditionally, you attract others to you. Everyone wants to feel the love of another. And it feels good to be around a happy person.

So focus on loving as much as you can, and you will be surprised how happy you can be!

If you're serious about attracting your soulmate, here are the next steps:

In my “How to Manifest Love” coaching course, I talk a lot about love and happiness. In section 2 I lay out the exact pathway to finding unconditional love and happiness. I also do a guided release meditation to help you get started. 

My Law of Attraction Love Success Story

How I attracted my ideal partner in 30 days (and how you can too!)

This is the story of how I used the Law of Attraction to effortlessly create my ideal relationship with my girlfriend Laura. She is my best friend and a wonderful partner. The relationship we share is the best we've both ever had.

This story has some implications for you: no matter where you're at in life, you can always turn things around. And it's easier than you think to attract your ideal partner and create a loving relationship.

As you'll discover in this story, I went from being a geeky guy to being a suave (and unhappy) player and then realizing the infinite love available to all of us and the innate ability we all have to create whatever we desire in life. 

I started out as an overweight, nerdy kid.

When I was a teenager I was shy and socially awkward. I was overweight and into nerdy things like Dungeons and Dragons. I grew up in a strict religious family where sex was a taboo topic.

Because of all these things I didn't even try dating. Well I tried a little, but I was so shy and awkward that I gave up after a few failed efforts.

In my late teens I began to go to the gym and lost a lot of the excess weight. The improvements to my looks attracted the attention of a girl at my church. Despite her making obvious invitations for me to talk to her, I didn't because I still had the belief that no one wanted to date me.

Eventually this woman's dad decided to intervene and set us up on a date. It turned out that we had a lot in common and got along well. We kept dating and fell in love rather quickly. Because both our parents were religious and we were in love, I asked her to marry me.

A brief marriage and devastating divorce.

After a brief marriage of two years, she asked me for a divorce. This was devastating to me. And I was rebounding. Because I didn't have any other experience with women and dating I did what any other geeky guy would do - start reading books on the topic. This was also when I learned about the Law of Attraction.

Some of the books were lousy, but some were good. Like many things in life, success with dating is often counterintuitive - the opposite of what you think will work, often works. I had to unlearn a lot of bad behaviors and learn new ones.

And I had to become a better person - I had to grow and improve. This is paramount to success in any endeavor - becoming greater than your problems.

As I put what I learned into practice, I began to have success. I met some great women, and some of those women ended up being my girlfriend.

But none of them lasted. And I was not happy or fulfilled despite getting all the female attention I wanted. Sometimes when you get the thing that you think will make you happy, it doesn't.

Frustration with life leads to spiritual awakening.

After several years of partying and picking up women, I became frustrated with life. I had been seeking happiness and fulfillment from the world - money, sex, etc. None of these things gave me the fulfillment and love I wanted.

And my life was a mess. Despite having a college degree in Chemistry, I had a hard time finding gainful employment. I was living with my parents. I had few friends and I didn’t have a good relationship with my family, either.

But I didn't lose hope. I thought maybe I just hadn't learned the right thing or done the right thing yet. I read a ton of self-help books over the years. In fact, self-help was pretty much all I read. I devoured books from people like Tony Robbins, Eckhart Tolle, Louise Hay, and many more books that talked about the law of attraction.. These works were helpful, but not life changing.

It wasn't until I discovered letting go that everything changed.

One day I was searching for another self-help program that could maybe help me get out of this rut I was in. As I browsed the web I saw someone say on a forum that letting go was the key to making the law of attraction work.

When I read this, something spoke to me inside. I knew I had to give it a try. I got my hands on a recording of a retreat that was all about letting go and started listening. It was totally eye opening. The instructor talked about how "want equates to lack" and encouraged listeners to let go of wanting (among other things).

All of this made sense to me. I understood how wanting created the feeling of lack - and if you feel lack, then that’s what you create in life.

So I did. And it felt good. As I let go if felt like a great burden lifted from my shoulders. And it was energizing. I could hardly sleep the first night I started. But I kept listening to this retreat without taking many breaks.

A few days later I experienced something I will never forget. I went for a walk to burn off some of the excess energy I had. As I walked I felt the most intense happiness and bliss. I remember thinking to myself: "what is this?" "what is happening?"

As I looked around, I saw no separation between myself and anything else. I also noticed that I loved everything, unconditionally. At the same time, I felt Kundalini energy rising up my spine. The only way I can describe it is like an orgasm of the soul.

In that moment, I realized that what we are is unlimited and loves everything unconditionally. I realized that we are not separate from Source, or God (or whatever you want to call it) and that everything we are seeking - love, abundance, eternal life - we have already.

I manifested my dream job and discovered I could create anything I wanted...

Shortly after that I manifested my dream job with a startup bio-fuels company. That was my first major win. As the years went by, I was able to use the law of attraction to create pretty much anything I set my mind to.

But I never gave much thought to relationships. I had good social skills and I was a good looking guy. I didn’t have a problem getting a girlfriend. I didn't think to use my knowledge to create my ideal relationship. That is, until I had several bad breakups in a row.

After those breakups, I decided it was time to create my ideal relationship. I felt frustrated that I had loved and lost so many times. I never wanted to feel that pain again.

So I decided to use the techniques I learned to create my ideal relationship. I got clear on what my ideal partner and my ideal relationship looked like to me, and started letting go. 

I meet my dream girl, effortlessly

Laura and I in Colorado Springs

About a month after I did this process, my mom called me up, told me that her wellness coach was single and wanted to know if I was interested in going on a date with her. I said yes, and when we met up, we connected instantly.

Laura was deeply spiritual like I was - something I desired in a partner. We also held similar social and political beliefs. And we like the same things, enjoy doing the same things, etc. Sure we have our differences like any couple, but overall we are a great match and we disagreements between us are rare.

We’ve been together for well over a year now and I can say that this relationship is the most fulfilling I've ever had.

And the funny thing is I didn't even have to do anything to meet her. I didn't need to use any of the dating advice or "pick-up tricks". And I didn't have to go anywhere to meet her. My mom of all people introduced us!

This is an example of what's possible when you get clear on what you want and let go. The law of attraction really works! Things like this happen frequently in my life. The right thing always seems to show up at the right time. 

Here's how you can attract your soulmate now...

The letting go techniques I learned have had such a profound impact on my life, that I love sharing them with anyone who's interested. 

To help people like you create the relationship you desire, I've put together a free 5-part video coaching class that explains everything you need to know to attract your ideal partner. I call it "How to Manifest Love". 

It's free to sign up, and the techniques I share are easy to learn and use in your daily life.