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How to Eliminate Approach Anxiety without Embarrassing Yourself

One of the biggest obstacle that keeps guys from meeting a girl they like is approach anxiety.  This anxiety paralyzes us, and prevents us from approaching a stranger we want to meet. If you don’t start conversations, your dating life will never improve.

Success in dating, like sales, is often a numbers game. The more women you talk to, the higher your chances of finding someone special. It’s not a hard and fast rule, but a good place to start - especially if you haven’t had a lot of success with dating in the past.

Most of us can function normally day to day without too much anxiety. But when we see someone attractive across a crowded room, a wave of uncomfortable feelings washes over us. We enter a catatonic state - unable to act to achieve our goals.

What doesn’t work to eliminate approach anxiety

There are many ways to deal with approach anxiety. The most common is to use alcohol. Many people use this “liquid courage” to help them get through social situations. But when you use alcohol in this way, you are not dealing with the underlying cause of social anxiety. Alcohol numbs these feelings, but when it wears off, the feelings return.

Most of your best opportunities to meet women are not in bars or clubs. There’s a lot of competition there and women, especially attractive women, have their guard up. Attractive women get approached by dozens of drunk horny dudes at bars and clubs. Some of those dudes are huge jerks. To that hot brunette you’ve been eyeing, you’re just drunk guy #29. She doesn’t know the difference between you and the guy who said something nasty to her 15 minutes ago.

If you really want to master women and dating, you’ll have to learn how to deal with uncomfortable feelings in a healthy and effective way. Doing this will give you the emotional maturity needed to form a healthy, strong relationship. And in this article, you’ll discover exactly how to do that.

Logic and reason won't work, either.

Another way I’ve seen dating coaches try to help their students deal with approach anxiety is by using logic and reason. They will tell their students it’s “illogical” to feel approach anxiety. That its a holdover from our hunter-gatherer days when social rejection could lead to injury or death. They’ll say things like “don’t put the girl on a pedestal” or “don’t be attached to the outcome”.

The problem with this is approach anxiety is emotional. Logic and reason cannot overcome emotions. Have you ever heard that people make decisions based on emotion and justify them with logic afterwards? This is absolutely true.

Harvard professor Gerald Zaltman says that 95% of our buying decisions are subconscious. He found in his research that what people really think or feel often contradicts what they say.

Why aren't consumers truthful about their purchasing thoughts and feelings? Well, a big reason is they are driven by unconscious urges, the biggest of which is emotion.

Our Emotions drive our purchasing behaviors, and our decision making. Hearing about how approach anxiety is irrational or illogical might sound helpful, but it’s not going to help you overcome it. You can reason to yourself all day about how illogical it is, but when it’s time to approach, your emotions kick in and you’ll feel anxiety.

The only way to eliminate approach anxiety is by dealing with the emotions directly. This is a huge shortcut to becoming confident with women. Later on in this article I’m going to show you exactly how to do that.

Neuro-Linguistic programming and other pseudo-scientific gimmicks

Maybe you've heard of NLP. Single men will take NLP courses to “reprogram” their minds into being unafraid to talk to pretty girls. These courses use all kinds of weird techniques to cure people of fears and phobias, with mixed results. Tony Robbins is probably the most well known practitioner of NLP. Were it that easy, then everyone would be rich, successful, and totally confident after one Tony Robbins seminar.

What all these people are really good at is not reprogramming the mind, but selling what they do as a solution to life’s problems. Tony Robbins is a master of sales and marketing above all else. I should know, I used to drink the Tony Robbins kool-aid. I tried everything he recommended, earnestly, and got zero results. Later in life I discovered something that actually worked, and later on in this article I will reveal these “secrets” to you.

What will actually eliminate your approach anxiety

The one thing that works to eliminate approach anxiety taking action. To conquer approach anxiety, you have to talk to a lot of women. Eventually you’ll get enough experience that you no longer feel anxiety. Experience makes all the difference between a guy who doesn’t feel approach anxiety and a guy who does.

When I first decided to get my dating life handled, I had terrible approach anxiety. I suffered from shyness and insecurities throughout high school, middle school, and college. Most of the advice I heard from dating gurus regarding approach anxiety was that you had to “just do it”. And after a few thousand interactions you won’t feel the anxiety anymore.

So I did that. And after a few years (years!), I finally got to the point where opening conversations with attractive women was no big deal.

This is the ugly truth about overcoming approach anxiety: if you aren’t confident initiating conversations with attractive women now, it will take you years of experience to get there.

Most men don’t want to hear this. People want a quick fix for their problems. That’s why alcohol is so popular as a “social lubricant”. It’s also why pick-up artists and dating gurus are able to make millions selling their “magic pick-up lines” and other snake oil. These things all offer a “magic pill” solution to life’s problems.

The shortcut to confidence: letting go

The good news is I have discovered a way to speed up your journey to overcome approach anxiety. It’s a way of processing feelings and emotions and it has completely transformed all aspects of my life, relationships included. It can do the same for you too.

By combining this with your approaches, it will greatly speed up your progress. You will be able to eliminate approach anxiety in a matter of weeks or months, rather than years.

Ego: the root cause of approach anxiety

I mentioned earlier that emotions dictate our decisions and behavior. But what causes emotions? I posit that there are three primary drivers of all emotions. I call these “ego motivations” because they drive the “little me” or limited self. This limited self, the ego, keeps us stuck in life - unable to act to achieve our goals.

There are three ego motivations, they are:

  • Wanting approval - The desire to be liked, loved, and approved of.

  • Wanting control - The desire to control our environment, get what we want, etc.

  • Wanting security - The desire to feel safe, secure, and comfortable.

These ego motivations create all emotions, which in turn create thoughts and behaviors. Letting go of ego motivations eradicates the limiting emotions and thoughts they create. 

In order to be successful in any endeavor, you must want your goal more than you want approval, control, or security. By doing this, you can let go of these limiting ego motivations, overcome the fear and anxiety they create, and take the necessary actions.

How wanting approval creates approach anxiety

When you see a pretty girl you want to meet, you want her to like you and approve of you. But this desire for approval also creates the fear of disapproval or the fear of rejection. And this fear of disapproval is one of the emotions involved in approach anxiety. Letting go of wanting approval eliminates the fear of disapproval and the anxiety it creates.

Wanting a woman’s approval also causes many other self-defeating behaviors in dating and relationships. Often guys will want a woman’s approval so bad, they shower them with compliments, give them expensive gifts, and bend over backwards for them. Women hate this kind of thing. Women who experience this feel like they are being bribed or obligated to be with that guy. It doesn’t feel good to be pressured like that. That’s why women will often only to be reject or “friend-zone” guys who do this.

This also explains why women date jerks. These types of guys are don’t care about getting approval. Because they don’t want approval, they don’t engage in the kinds of supplicating, needy behavior that can be a huge turn-off for most women.

The more you can let go of wanting approval, the more you will eliminate approach anxiety and supplicating behavior.

How wanting control creates approach anxiety

When you see an someone you want to talk to, you want the interaction to go your way. You want to have control in the situation. And this creates the fear it won’t go your way; the fear that you don’t or won’t have control in that situation.

Fear of losing control creates anxiety. When you are afraid of something, you are picturing in your mind what you don’t want. And it doesn’t feel good to hold in mind what we don’t want. Yet we do this all the time. The root cause of this is the desire for control, which creates the fear of losing control. The only way to overcome this cycle is to let go of wanting control.

And I’m not saying let go of being in control or having control. I’m saying let go of wanting it. Wanting is not the same as having. When you are wanting something, what you are really saying is that you don’t have it. We never want things we already have. We only want things we don’t have. In wanting control what you are saying is “I don’t have control” or “I’m not in control”. And this creates anxiety.

Another problem with wanting control makes out outcome dependent. You want things to go your way. And being attached to the outcome is one of the best ways to strike out with an attractive woman. When you’re attached the outcome, you’re so focused on making things go your way that you can’t act relaxed and natural. And this causes anxiety for both yourself and the girl you’re talking to.

Letting go of wanting control creates a feeling of relaxation and ease. You don’t feel anxiety and you aren’t attached to the outcome. You are free to be your charming self and act natural. What could be sexier than that?

How wanting security creates approach anxiety

Security is the main driver for everything. We want the approval of others because we want to feel safe. The desire for control is created by the desire to be safe and secure. But when you are wanting safety, you are holding in mind a picture of vulnerability. That could create anxiety for anyone.

Wanting safety or security is the main cause of all anxieties and fears. The ultimate fear is the fear of death. But for many men, getting rejected by a woman is a fate worse than death. It’s irrational, but it’s real for a lot of guys.

Letting go of wanting security or wanting to be safe stops anxiety at its source. The only way to overcome anxiety is to take action and see first hand how irrational your fears and anxieties are. But if you are wanting security so much that you never take any risk, you’ll never overcome anxiety and your dating life will flounder.

Putting it into practice

Here’s how to put this into practice to eliminate approach anxiety as quickly as possible. When you see a woman you want to talk to and you feel anxiety, here’s what to do:

Step 1: Accept or allow the anxiety to be there. 

Notice and allow the sensations in your body as well as pictures and thoughts it might bring up. The normal reaction to something like anxiety is to try and push the anxiety away or get rid of it. But this only makes it stronger. Carl Jung famously said, “that which you resist, persists”.

When you are fighting against something, you’re giving it your attention. And by doing this, you’re giving it more power than it has. Accepting or allowing it creates some space. This acceptance or welcoming can lessen the anxiety all on it’s own.

Step 2: Become aware of the ego motivation behind the anxiety

The next step is to become aware of the ego motivation creating the anxiety. Check inside and see if you are wanting approval, control, or security. It might feel like it’s all three, and that’s okay. Just notice or become aware of the desire for approval, control, or security.

Step 3: Let go of wanting approval, control, or security

The final step is to make the conscious choice to let go of wanting approval, control, or security. It is this wanting that is creating the anxiety in the first place. By making the choice to let go of wanting these things, the anxiety will lessen or disappear entirely.

If you are having trouble letting go, just ask yourself, “would I rather want approval, or would I rather have it?” “would I rather want control, or would I rather have control?” By wanting these things, you are creating a feeling of lack and limitation. You are affirming your lack of approval, control, and security. And these feelings of lack and limitation create anxiety.

Letting go of wanting creates a feeling of having - a feeling of wholeness or completeness. And if you can open a conversation with a woman from a place of wholeness or completeness, your chances of success are much higher. We call people who feel whole and complete within themselves “confident”. And nothing is more attractive than that.

Step 4: Make the approach and keep letting go

If you’ve done steps 1-3 you should feel less anxiety or maybe even none at all. The next step is to walk up and talk to her. Once you initiate the conversation, this may bring up more emotion. As you converse with this new girl, keep letting go of wanting approval, control, and security.

Every time you let go, you lessen the power your emotions have over you. If you keep meeting new women, and keep letting go, soon approach anxiety will be a thing of the past. This could happen in a matter of weeks or months rather than years. It all depends on your willingness to let go.

You can use the above process for anything. Someone cuts you off in traffic and you feel angry? Welcome the feeling and let go of the ego motivation behind the feeling. Your coworkers annoying you? Welcome the feeling and let go of the ego motivation behind the feeling. The more you can put this letting go into practice in your daily life, the more confidence you will gain in all aspects of your life.

Try it out for yourself and let me know if you have any questions!

Want more help with women and dating?

Now you can get a free 1-on-1 coaching session with me to help you improve your dating and relationships. You'll discover my "secret" method to overcome emotional barriers that sabotage your success.

To claim your free session, sign up below. On the next page, you'll be connected with my scheduling app where you can find a time that works best for you. Looking forward to meeting you. Have a great day!

How to Overcome Shame and Guilt and Love Yourself Instead

Shame and guilt often come up around relationships, especially after a breakup. Because these feelings are so common - so damaging to our lives and our communities - I decided to write an entire blog post on overcoming guilt and shame.

Guilt and shame exist at low vibrational frequencies. These emotions have a horrific effect on our lives.

The effects of guilt and shame include:

  • Lower energy

  • Lower power

  • Poorer life circumstances

  • Poorer relationships

  • Less abundance and success

  • Less love and happiness

  • Poorer physical and emotional health

Because of the low energy of these emotions, people whose consciousness resides in this state drain us on all levels. We tend to avoid people like this. They often find themselves surrounded by people on the same level (e.g., in jail). Perhaps worst of all, when your consciousness lies at the level of shame and guilt, you don’t even want to be around yourself - much less those like you.

Here's the good news about shame and guilt:

But the good news is these feelings can be easily let go of or released. They are like a tiny smudge on the vast, innocent ocean of perfection and love that is your true nature. As you let go of negative feelings, you will feel more positive feelings - more of what you truly are. You will feel more courageous and loving. You will notice increasing effectiveness, success in life, and a more effortless abundance of everything you are seeking.

As you let go, people will naturally want to be around you. Our state of consciousness emanates from us like a field. When people come into contact with each other, they feel each other’s consciousness - at least on a subconscious level. You may not be aware of this, but it's true if you think about it.

Why some people have "bad vibes" and "good vibes"

How often have you come into contact with someone and thought to yourself: “he had a bad vibe” or “she had a good vibe”? You can detect someone’s “vibe” because you can perceive their field of consciousness.

Those who occupy higher, more positive levels of consciousness attract others. People want to be around them because their positive frequency makes those around them feel good. This explains why people like Gandhi attract huge crowds of people. They have large, positive energy fields and it feels amazing to be in their presence.

The same is possible for you. As you let go of negative feelings like guilt and shame, you will raise your vibrational frequency and your life will begin to improve. At first, these feelings will keep coming up. But the more you let go of these feelings, the more you will have energy and courage to handle them. Why? Because in letting go, you have taken back your power and self-adequacy.

Shame and guilt rarely manifest as pure states in an individual.

In the next section, I’m going to describe guilt and shame in more detail. While you read this, keep in mind these feelings rarely manifest as pure states in an individual. Levels of consciousness vary; you may operate on one level in a given area of your life and on quite another level in another area.

For example, you may be courageous in your career, but experience guilt and shame around relationships. Or you might feel guilt and shame in regards to your body and your health, but feel much more positive about the rest of your life.

Your overall level of consciousness consists of the sum total effect of these various levels. If you raise your level in one area, the rest of your life get a boost also. Sometimes when people work on relationship issues, their career improves first. Or someone is working on money issues and their relationships improve.

Letting go of shame and guilt improves your experience of life.

Regardless of where you are feeling guilt and shame in your life, letting these feelings go will result in a tremendous improvement of your overall experience of life. Guilt and shame represent the heaviest of emotions. If you drop them, you will be casting off a great burden from your consciousness. You will likely feel lighter and more energetic right away. And if not, then please persist in letting them go. The more you put into this, the more you will get out of it.

The truth about shame and how it affect us.

The level of shame is perilously proximate to death. Those who feel strong feelings of shame often choose conscious suicide or, more subtly, electing for death by failing to take care of themselves. Commonly, people at this level of consciousness often die due to avoidable accident or reckless behavior.

We all have some awareness of the pain of “losing face” or feeling like a “nonperson.” In Shame, we hang our heads and slink away, wishing we could immaterialize.

Traditionally, banishment comes with shame. In the ancient societies we all originate from, banishment equivocates to death. Humans are social creatures and we cannot survive on our own.

The effects of guilt and shame on addiction.

Early life experiences such as sexual abuse or neglect lead to shame. These experiences warp how we perceive ourselves and the world around us. Dr. Gabor Maté writes in his book In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts, that the homeless drug addicts he treated all had one thing in common: they all suffered severe neglect and abuse as children.

These poor souls used drugs in a desperate attempt to escape the guilt and shame instilled in them as children. These people to rarely recover from their addiction, and their life expectancy is short. The only way to recover from addiction is to let go of the emotional pain you are using the addiction to escape from.

Shame is a tool of cruelty.

People use shame as a tool of cruelty, and its victims often become cruel themselves. Shamed children brutalize animals and each other. The behavior of people whose consciousness remains this low is dangerous: prone to paranoid delusions, some become psychotic or commit heinous crimes. Serial killers often act out of sexual moralism, they justify their crimes as punishment for “bad” women.

Some shame-based individuals compensate with perfectionism and rigidity, becoming driven and intolerant. Notorious examples are the moral extremists who dig up some minor “offense” a public figure committed in the past and publicly shame them for it. They project their own unconscious shame onto others and they then feel justified in attacking them. Since shame pulls down the whole level of consciousness, Shame results in a vulnerability to the other negative emotions, and therefore often produces false pride, anger, and guilt.

The truth about guilt and how it affects us.

Guilt, so commonly used in our society to manipulate and punish, manifests itself in a variety of expressions:

  • Remorse

  • Self-recrimination

  • Masochism

  • Victim-hood and Victim consciousness

  • Unforgiving attitudes

Because guilt demands punishment, it often results in disease, accident proneness, and self-harm. A common self-inflicted punishment is denying ourselves the good things in life we desire: loving relationships, success, abundance, and good health. Just like our parents punished us for bad behavior by withholding dessert or playtime, we punish ourselves by denying ourselves the good things in life.

Guilt-dominated consciousness results in a preoccupation with sin or wrongdoing.  Those who feel guilty often have an unforgiving emotional attitude frequently exploited by religious and political demagogues. They use guilt for coercion and control of others. Such “sin-and-salvation” merchants, obsessed with punishment, act out their own guilt, or project it onto others.

How guilt affects relationships and sexual behavior.

Another way guilt manifests is in self-harm or the desire for pain and punishment. The massive success of the book and movie 50 Shades of Grey and the popularity of sadomasochism shows just how much guilt exists in our culture. Women are especially drawn to this because our society makes them feel guilty for having sexual desire or expressing their sexuality. Punishment and humiliation in the context of sexuality brings gratification to guilt they feel regarding their sexuality.

Guilt provokes rage and violence.

Guilt provokes rage, often expressed in murder and killing. We often think of anger as the emotion of violence and killing, but way more people are killed because of shame and guilt than anger.

Capital punishment exemplifies how killing brings gratification to a guilt-ridden society. The American culture, for instance, scorns its victims in the press and dispenses harsh punishments that have never been demonstrated to have any deterrent or corrective value.

Many people struggle with guilt their entire lives. Others desperately attempt escape by amorally denying it altogether through things like atheism and moral relativism. But denying guilt does not make it go away. Only by letting it go or surrendering to it, can you become free of guilt.

How to overcome shame and guilt.

As with any emotion, guilt and shame can be easily let go of. Because it is so contrary to our innate innocence and perfection, it feels heavy. Holding onto these feelings can be like dragging a steel anchor behind us everywhere we go.

Because they feel so heavy, letting them go results in a huge boost to your consciousness and quality of life. In contrast, emotions like anger and pride can be much harder to let go of because carry much more power and energy and guilt and shame.

The simplest way to overcome shame and guilt

The quickest, and simplest way to let go of guilt and shame is to welcome the feeling, and then make the decision let it go. This is the opposite of what we normally do with uncomfortable feelings. What we usually do is try to push these feelings away or hold onto them as if they are real, meaningful, or important. And while you are trying to push them away, you are also holding on to them. To cease to fight with them or attempt to figure them out is to be free from these feelings.

Instead, if you decide to welcome the feelings of guilt and shame, they will release all on their own. The decision to let them go is often unnecessary, but can be helpful for especially sticky feelings.

So let’s first try this with shame:

Allow yourself to think of some situation where you are feeling shame. Where you’ve been feeling belittled, disgraced, or dishonored.

And just take the first thought or feeling that comes to mind.

And could you welcome whatever pictures, sensations, or sounds that brings up in awareness? Could you allow that to be here just for now?

And could you let that feeling go, as best you can? Could you drop it, or just open inside and allow the feeling of shame to release?

Do this as many times as needed to release the feeling of shame.

Now let’s do the same process with guilt:

Allow yourself to think of some situation where you’ve been feeling guilt. Where you’ve been feeling regret, remorse, or like “it’s your fault.”

And just take the first thought or feeling that comes to mind.

And could you welcome whatever pictures, sensations, or sounds that brings up in awareness? Could you allow that to be here just for now?

And could you let that feeling go, as best you can? Could you drop it, or just open inside and allow the feeling of guilt to release?

After you’ve let go of these emotions, you can include the bonus process of choosing to love. See below for more information.

The 3-Step process for releasing guilt and shame

Another way you can overcome guilt and shame is with this three step process. It’s a little different than the previous exercise, but not much. Some people find it to be more effective than the above process. I recommend you try both and see which one works best for you.

Step 1: Become aware of the feeling and allow it to be here.

The first step to letting to become aware of it. Oftentimes, we try everything we can to escape or avoid feelings like shame. We use things like drugs, alcohol, television, sex, etc to numb the pain. But when we do this, it doesn’t make them go away. It only covers up the emotion and the pain for a short while.

Instead of trying to avoid the feeling, allow it to be here instead. Allow yourself to experience it fully. Feel whatever sensations in the body arise with that feeling. Notice any pictures or sounds in your head it’s bringing up. The more you can allow or welcome the pictures, sensations, and sound associated with the feeling of shame, the more easily it will release. To welcome or allow opens your emotional floodgates. When you do this, the emotion flows out naturally just like water would.

Step 2: Notice and allow any wanting to do anything with or about the emotion

Next, notice any wanting to do something with or about that feeling. When we experience an uncomfortable feeling like shame, the first response is to want to get rid of it or push it away. And this keeps it stuck. In fighting with the emotion, we only make it stronger. So along with the sensations, pictures and sounds, notice also any wanting to do anything with or about that emotion.

Step 3: Notice and allow how personal it feels 

And finally, these emotions feel personal. When we experience something like shame, there is a sense of ownership - like it’s about you, about who you are, or that it belongs to you. So notice and welcome or allow any sense the feeling is personal.

Bonus Step: Choose to love yourself

After you follow the first 3 steps, you should at least feel much lighter. But you don’t have to stop there. In doing the first 3 steps, you have most likely created a lot more inner space. Now you have some room to feel love. At this point, you can choose to feel love for yourself or simply to choose love instead of shame.

Love constitutes a high vibrational frequency. It remains much closer to your true nature than shame or guilt. The more you can feel love, the more it will burn away the negative, lower vibration emotions like guilt and shame. It may seem difficult to love at first, but just allow yourself to love as much as you do or as much as you can.

It may only be a little at first, but as you stretch into love, you will feel more love flowing into your consciousness. It’s like trickle of water flowing through a hole in a dam. It may be a small hole and a tiny trickle at first, but over time the water will carve a larger and larger hole. Soon there will be a deluge of water flowing from a gaping hole.

As you let go of shame and guilt, you increase your capacity to love.

As you choose to let go of shame and guilt and choose love instead, your capacity to love will increase. And with that love, comes everything you’ve ever wanted - happiness, the love and affection of others, great abundance, and limitless joy.

Eliminate Shame and Guilt Now

Now you can get a free 1-on-1 coaching session with me to help you let go of shame and guilt. You'll discover my "secret" method to easily release shame and love yourself instead.

To claim your free session, sign up below. On the next page, you'll be connected with my scheduling app where you can find a time that works best for you.